Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Trying To Love A Cesarean: My Birth Story

Ten weeks later and I still have to remind myself that my c-section got M here safely. It's my way of trying to feel better about how she got here. On July 4th I was preparing to be induced the next day. I was five days past my due date and so over being pregnant. I think when I hit 40 weeks I just locked myself in the house for the safety of the general public. By that time I had accepted that I wouldn't get the excited 'my water just broke' and all that. I had my bag packed and I was ready to get her out.

That day I had my last non stress test and my nurse had told me about pelvic thrusts. She suggested I try these at home to help get M into position. I figured I'd try it and waste more time. After all I had walked the entire town several times over, bounced on a ball for hours on end, and ate about a pound of basil. So I waited awhile until A.U. finally convinced me to try them. I did about ten of them and then gave up because my grandparents came over to eat strawberry short cake. About fifteen minutes after I did the thrusts I got the biggest cramp and lost some fluid. I was schocked to say the least. Slowly I just kept losing more. I was in a panic while my family calmly ate their strawberry short cake. They just kept saying 'oh we've got time.'

Finally we all got to the hospital and I waddled up to the third floor looking like I peed my pants. It's not only my c-section that didn't go as planned. Nothing went as planned. First I always wanted a med free birth. Not so much. Two hours in they hooked me up to pitocin. Dry labor and pitocin is no joke. So about that time I got morphine in my IV. Then my blood pressure was going all over the place so I also had some meds put in my IV to help with that. When that didn't work I also got some blood pressure pills. Then at four cm. I got my epidural. Heaven. I won't lie. Fast forward sixteen hours and all of a sudden it all went wrong.

M's heart rate dropped to 50 bpm which is not good at all. I had four nurses rush in moving me side to side, hooking up oxygen, and trying not to look panicked. For the first time I thought I might not go home with M. I was crying and praying and crying. I just thought ' God, I can't live without her.' Finally they got her heart rate to stabilize, but it didn't last long. She had several more dips and I wasn't progressing past 7 cm. It was all falling apart. I went from not getting induced and having my dream birth to the farthest thing from it. When the Doctor arrived I was done trying to get her to be ok. I just wanted her in my arms. Safe. My amazing, wonderful Doctor could tell. He called for a cesarean and thirty minutes later I was being moved to the operating table.

Getting wheeled in there it really hit me. What if she isn't ok? What if I'm not ok? How could this happen? The medicine I had at the point made me really sick. I was so afraid of throwing up and choking on it. I wanted to Hulk out of the straps they had me in. I was shaking uncontrollably from the medicine. There was blood on the blue curtain right in my face. I felt like I was getting tugged in every direction. To this day I can't believe how small my incision is. It felt like I was cut side to side.

Then I heard it. M's cry. She was brought around to us and all of a sudden the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen was right in front of me. We touched cheeks. I told her I loved her. Told her how proud I was of her. I was going to take her home. She was coming home with us. It was like a power ballad just burst into my head. I was all 'Can't explain all the feelings that you're making me feel. My heart's in overdrive and you're behind the steering wheel. I wanna kiss you every minute, every hour, every day. You got me in a spin but everythin' is A.OK!' Even though I was on deaths door and strapped to a bed with my organs hanging out I was on cloud nine.

That was M's birth. It wasn't ideal. I cry daily during A Baby Story. I'm super jealous of girls who have vaginal births. I'll never have that. I'll never hear it's time to push. I'll never have the excitement of the huge light coming down from the ceiling. I'll never have a baby placed directly on my chest. I'm dealing with it. In the times where I feel down I hold M close and kiss her. Her chord was wrapped around her neck. She wasn't doing ok. So I tell myself she's here because of my cesarean. God made it up to me by giving me one hell of a boob sucker.

No comments:

Post a Comment