Friday, January 20, 2012

Losing My Grip

In a way I feel like I shouldn't be writing this. Some day I want M to read through these posts. I feel like if I didn't write this down I wouldn't be doing her justice. I want her to know that parenting is an amazing gift, but it isn't always easy. Some days are really really hard. It doesn't mean I don't love her every second of the day.

I'm sitting here writing this crying and listening to Modest Mouse while Adam cares for M in the living room. A lot has led up to me being at this point. I'm overwhelmed and tired. I'm losing my feelings of being on top of things.

Staying at home is the greatest and hardest job I've ever or will ever have. I laugh when men say how they would trade places in a heart beat. No, you would run screaming. When you can't even take you baby to the store or give them medicine without bitching, than no you would not trade places in a heart beat.

I stay at home with M and my husband goes to work at 7:00am and gets home at 7:30pm on a good night. I am a stay at home single mom it feels like. I know he "helps." I'm putting that in bitchy quotations, because by help I mean he changes her diaper before bed and sometimes I pull his teeth hard enough that he'll get up with her during the night on Friday. This has happened three times.

I can't leave M for more than a couple hours because I hoard milk in my freezer. I have to wake up with her about five times a night so my supply doesn't dip. I can't have a few drinks one night because she can't sleep well and by well I mean wake up every two hours if she's not in my bed. I can't have her spend the night somewhere because she sleeps like crap and yet again I hoard milk in my freezer. I need a break. I need some peace. I can't get it. That's how it feels. I hate to say that. It kills me to have that feeling, but it's true.

I want to scream at my husband and tell him he has no freakin' clue if he thinks he helps so much. I can't because I don't want to scream at her dad, and I don't want to scream in front of her. Really in his mind he does help so much. He does what he can when he can and the only problem is that's not much.

This all came to a head when this past week Adam has been out of town. It's been 100% me 100% of the time. He got in last night at midnight and today he was supposed to be home at 5:30. It was going to be a good day today. He left his debit card so we could go to the store. I gave M her antibiotic (a whole other can of worms I'll leave closed.) and we were on our way. I spent two hours in the store. If you have a baby you know how unholy that is. It stunk, but we did it and went up to check out. Card doesn't go through. Don't know why it just doesn't. They let me call Adam to figure it out while they hold my stuff. He doesn't answer any of his four lines or page from the front desk. He was in a meeting I find out later. I get home completely humiliated and pissed off. I go to get M her second dose of medicine and I had left it out. It needs to be refrigerated. It's late on a Friday night and it has no refills. This is the point where I break down crying while my adorable daughter plays with an empty box of tampons in the bathroom.

At this point it's 7:00pm and Adam is not home. Go figure. Which leads me here. When he walked in the door I handed her over and came back here to cry and write it out. I'm overworked, but I love my work. I need a break, but I'll keep going.

Being a mom isn't always easy. It's hard work, and you can't really understand that until you do it. Sometimes you have to throw your hands up and let your baby gum an empty box in the bathroom while you cry in the hall. Sometimes you need to hand them over and take time to yourself.

I don't claim to be perfect and I don't expect anyone else to be. Some day when you read this I hope you know how much love is in what I write. You'll have these days, and it's ok. If you weren't giving all you had to your little baby to the point it's overwhelming some days than I'd worry.

...and this is why I keep going.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Dear Molly,

I can't wrap my mind around the fact that six months have gone by. In some ways life has been on fast forward, and in others in slow motion. I've tried to savor each moment the best that I can in hopes to preserve them and make them last longer. The simple truth is that life goes by so fast and before you know it the days are years.

I never really knew what I'd grow up to be. I never really had set dreams on my career. The one thing I knew is that some day some how I would become a mom. Six months ago all my hopes and dreams came true when you were placed in my arms and I nursed you. I rubbed your hair and looked right into your eyes. The love that came to be in those first moments was something I will never be able to fully explain. My heart is tied to you. Your happiness is my happiness. Your dreams are my dreams. You so perfectly fit into my heart and my life. All of a sudden I was your mother and that meant more to me than anything ever could.

Watching you change and grow these past six months has been so fulfilling. You started rolling when you were two months old. You sat up on your own when you were four and a half. You crawled at five and half. Today you got yourself to sit up. Now you just do it over and over again. You're so strong and so smart. Your just the most impressive little creature I've ever had the pleasure of having in my life. To say we are proud of you is putting it mildly.

Even if you weren't doing these things or if you never did these things, we would be so proud of you. You exceeded all my hopes and expectations the day you were born. In my heart you will never do wrong. In my mind I have to keep you on course.

We love you. As amazing as these months have been, I can't wait to see what your life brings. I am so excited for your life, my love. With each day we see more of who you are and we love you, just the way you are.

These past six months have been a whirlwind and yet still the most peaceful months of my life. My heart is at ease even when my mind is racing with worry. The best way that I can pay you back for all that you have given me is to be the best mom that I know how to be. You deserve the world. With all my might I will give you every little bit that I can.


"For never before in story or rhyme
(not even once upon a time)
has the world ever known a you, my friend,
and it never will, not ever again."