Friday, January 20, 2012

Losing My Grip

In a way I feel like I shouldn't be writing this. Some day I want M to read through these posts. I feel like if I didn't write this down I wouldn't be doing her justice. I want her to know that parenting is an amazing gift, but it isn't always easy. Some days are really really hard. It doesn't mean I don't love her every second of the day.

I'm sitting here writing this crying and listening to Modest Mouse while Adam cares for M in the living room. A lot has led up to me being at this point. I'm overwhelmed and tired. I'm losing my feelings of being on top of things.

Staying at home is the greatest and hardest job I've ever or will ever have. I laugh when men say how they would trade places in a heart beat. No, you would run screaming. When you can't even take you baby to the store or give them medicine without bitching, than no you would not trade places in a heart beat.

I stay at home with M and my husband goes to work at 7:00am and gets home at 7:30pm on a good night. I am a stay at home single mom it feels like. I know he "helps." I'm putting that in bitchy quotations, because by help I mean he changes her diaper before bed and sometimes I pull his teeth hard enough that he'll get up with her during the night on Friday. This has happened three times.

I can't leave M for more than a couple hours because I hoard milk in my freezer. I have to wake up with her about five times a night so my supply doesn't dip. I can't have a few drinks one night because she can't sleep well and by well I mean wake up every two hours if she's not in my bed. I can't have her spend the night somewhere because she sleeps like crap and yet again I hoard milk in my freezer. I need a break. I need some peace. I can't get it. That's how it feels. I hate to say that. It kills me to have that feeling, but it's true.

I want to scream at my husband and tell him he has no freakin' clue if he thinks he helps so much. I can't because I don't want to scream at her dad, and I don't want to scream in front of her. Really in his mind he does help so much. He does what he can when he can and the only problem is that's not much.

This all came to a head when this past week Adam has been out of town. It's been 100% me 100% of the time. He got in last night at midnight and today he was supposed to be home at 5:30. It was going to be a good day today. He left his debit card so we could go to the store. I gave M her antibiotic (a whole other can of worms I'll leave closed.) and we were on our way. I spent two hours in the store. If you have a baby you know how unholy that is. It stunk, but we did it and went up to check out. Card doesn't go through. Don't know why it just doesn't. They let me call Adam to figure it out while they hold my stuff. He doesn't answer any of his four lines or page from the front desk. He was in a meeting I find out later. I get home completely humiliated and pissed off. I go to get M her second dose of medicine and I had left it out. It needs to be refrigerated. It's late on a Friday night and it has no refills. This is the point where I break down crying while my adorable daughter plays with an empty box of tampons in the bathroom.

At this point it's 7:00pm and Adam is not home. Go figure. Which leads me here. When he walked in the door I handed her over and came back here to cry and write it out. I'm overworked, but I love my work. I need a break, but I'll keep going.

Being a mom isn't always easy. It's hard work, and you can't really understand that until you do it. Sometimes you have to throw your hands up and let your baby gum an empty box in the bathroom while you cry in the hall. Sometimes you need to hand them over and take time to yourself.

I don't claim to be perfect and I don't expect anyone else to be. Some day when you read this I hope you know how much love is in what I write. You'll have these days, and it's ok. If you weren't giving all you had to your little baby to the point it's overwhelming some days than I'd worry.

...and this is why I keep going.

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