Today is Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss awareness day. It's so hard to believe that this time last year I was so heart broken not only as I approached my would have been due date, but the day itself and what it meant to me. I was pregnant once before. I found out at the end of March. By April 17th it was over. I don't think I'll ever forget the details. I remember laying on the couch while I was losing our baby and I just kept asking A what time it was. When I finally lost our baby I knew right away. It was like I just wanted it back so bad. Like my body physically felt empty.
Trying for M was not a joyful experience like you would want it to be. I was so heart broken that I should have been pregnant. Every negative test I just kept thinking ' I should be feeling you kick.' Miscarriage is such a lonely pain. Not only do you hear things from complete idiots, but most of the time you don't hear anything at all. I could never decide which was worse. No one loved my baby at that point like I did. To most people it was just an idea, but to me my baby was very real. I held it in my hand. He or she didn't look like anything recognizable, but I know who it was right away. A mother's attachment to her baby at even the earliest stages is such a beautiful thing. It's so hard to want something so badly and know that it will never be. That child will never be.
Five months after our loss we got pregnant again. It really came with perfect time. My sister was two months pregnant, and I won't lie it added to the sting. I was so happy for her, but just sad for me. My original due date was November 30th. Instead I went to my first appointment for M. Luckily I had an ultrasound to check on her because of my previous loss. So instead of having our angel we got to hear M's heart. We got to see her move her little arms and bounce back and forth. It was so bitter sweet. It's all bitter sweet. Most people think I probably don't care any more. That couldn't be further from the truth. I still think about the baby that might have been. Whether it was a boy or girl. What they would have looked like. M has a brother or sister looking out for her. I'll never hide that fact from her.
Some days I think about how I would be planning a first birthday right now. When I feel that pain I look down and think about how I have a beautiful three month old. I try to focus on that when I miss her brother or sister. I'm so happy for what I have. Life can be heart breaking and just when you feel like nothing is fair something happens to remind you of the beauty in life and why it's worth living to the fullest.
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them all about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them all about me?"