Sunday, October 30, 2011

Making Big Steps = Hard

I've been going back and forth in my mind on how I want to go back to school. I know it needs to happen for many reasons. This may sound depressing, but I can't lean on A forever. He already has a degree and an amazing job and at times I feel so down about not having that for myself. God forbid something were to happen to him or he left me (because I'm not going anywhere) I would have no legs to stand on. I hate that. Two, I want this for me. I need to feel that accomplishment that I am lacking so much of right now. Three, I want M to know her mama went for her goals and got it. Then maybe she'll see how much easier it was for A who went right after high school. Ha! I know this is dumb, but I feel like she would be so proud of me some day for this. Like my mom didn't have to do this, but she did.

I always tell M while she's chewing on her socks that I hope she gets Independence when she's older. Ideally if she could get a four year degree, land an awesome job, have her own place, and then meet a great guy and get married. She'll own her own bakery and make really cool cupcakes and have a loft with an exposed brick wall. I don't know, that's just what I picture, but she can do whatever she desires.

I think I hope for that, because it's so opposite of what I have done. I didn't get a degree, I've never lived on my own, I don't know that I could be truly independent, but I did meet a really great guy and get married.

Here's the problem. I want to go back for a degree in photography. I was hoping there would be a lot of two year options, but not so much. So I can do the first two years and then transfer to finish up. It's just so hard to start down a road when it's so long and your right at the beginning. I feel so overwhelmed by all of it. Can I do it? Will I do it? What if I don't finish? I have always had the problem of having a lot of drive, but also a lot of lazy. Bleh. It's got to be done, and the best thing to do is just get it over with. In ten years maybe I'll be finished.

Wish me luck. To say I'm rusty when it comes to school is putting it lightly.

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