Making Big Steps = Hard

I've been going back and forth in my mind on how I want to go back to school. I know it needs to happen for many reasons. This may sound depressing, but I can't lean on A forever. He already has a degree and an amazing job and at times I feel so down about not having that for myself. God forbid something were to happen to him or he left me (because I'm not going anywhere) I would have no legs to stand on. I hate that. Two, I want this for me. I need to feel that accomplishment that I am lacking so much of right now. Three, I want M to know her mama went for her goals and got it. Then maybe she'll see how much easier it was for A who went right after high school. Ha! I know this is dumb, but I feel like she would be so proud of me some day for this. Like my mom didn't have to do this, but she did.

I always tell M while she's chewing on her socks that I hope she gets Independence when she's older. Ideally if she could get a four year degree, land an awesome job, have her own place, and then meet a great guy and get married. She'll own her own bakery and make really cool cupcakes and have a loft with an exposed brick wall. I don't know, that's just what I picture, but she can do whatever she desires.

I think I hope for that, because it's so opposite of what I have done. I didn't get a degree, I've never lived on my own, I don't know that I could be truly independent, but I did meet a really great guy and get married.

Here's the problem. I want to go back for a degree in photography. I was hoping there would be a lot of two year options, but not so much. So I can do the first two years and then transfer to finish up. It's just so hard to start down a road when it's so long and your right at the beginning. I feel so overwhelmed by all of it. Can I do it? Will I do it? What if I don't finish? I have always had the problem of having a lot of drive, but also a lot of lazy. Bleh. It's got to be done, and the best thing to do is just get it over with. In ten years maybe I'll be finished.

Wish me luck. To say I'm rusty when it comes to school is putting it lightly.

Coming Closer To God Through M

My relationship with God has been a rocky one for some time. Most of which comes from the loss of family. When my uncle died I had so much anger and resentment. How could the best person I've ever known not get to be here? It's a hard to pill to swallow. After losing my parents when I was little life just seemed unfair.

About two years ago my life really took a change. I moved home and met A. My family grew even closer to one another. Life was going in the right direction. For the first time I had this peace that I was where I was meant to be. I felt like this could have been me a long time ago if I hadn't taken a different path. I don't regret that path. It's made me who I am. When I got pregnant it really hit me hard. It made me realize how much God had looked after me in my life. In ways that I had ignored or taken for granted. With all I've been through in life and the journey I took I was still safe. Then to be given such a wonderful gift.

When that pregnancy ended early I told myself not to get angry. That I wasn't going down that path again. So I stuck close to God. I thanked him for what I'd been given and that I knew I would be given it again some day. I was. Five months later I was pregnant again. Those nine months I stuck by even closer. Praying for others and praying of thanks and prayers for M. Up until she was in my arms it was constant prayer for her arrival.

Since that day my relationship with God has changed dramatically. I see life differently. I see the world differently. It's a relationship that defines how amazing God's love is. It's a miracle that should be appreciated. Being a mom has changed me forever. I now know what unconditional love is. It's allowed me to see what is really important in my life. It's taught me to not take one second for granted, because those seconds go by so fast. It's helped me realize why life is worth living even through all of the bad. I am complete. I'm fortunate and so very blessed. God has given me the greatest gift I could ever receive and I truly believe he has those intentions for everyone whether it be a child or their dreams or something totally unexpected.

In life you have to take the good with the bad. If we didn't have the bad we wouldn't know how truly amazing the good can be.

...And this is so amazingly good.

Nature Lovin' Hippie Baby

I hope so anyways. I don't care what Molly wants to be like when she gets older. With that said I do try to sway her to the hippie side. The light side as I like to call it. I do this by playing a lot of Marley and such in and out of the womb, reading her hippie like children's lit, and other small but hopefully impactful ways. Now let's get this straight. If she grows up to be an ax men and vote republican it will sting, but I'll still be proud.

So part of my parenting approach is to get her outside as much as possible. She loves being outdoors. I hope she carries that with her. Sometimes I feel like I need more of that in my life too.

Thursday I left work early, because she pooped through all five of her cloth diapers so that was our cue to leave since I had four hours of work left. (lesson learned) Since we had so much day left I drove out to the conservation to take her on a nature walk. We brought along the Mei Tai and my new camera that is now my new favorite thing ever. To make it easy for her to see and me to click away I put her in a back carry. Man, I love back carries. It just feels so right.

She lasted about five minutes before passing out. It was amazing. I'm hoping the weather holds up and we'll be out again soon. To me it's important for her to get out and experience what the world has to offer. It's important for her to be up at my level so she sees the world from that view. So here are some shots of what she saw.

Parenting After Miscarriage

Today is Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss awareness day. It's so hard to believe that this time last year I was so heart broken not only as I approached my would have  been due date, but the day itself and what it meant to me. I was pregnant once before. I found out at the end of March. By April 17th it was over. I don't think I'll ever forget the details. I remember laying on the couch while I was losing our baby and I just kept asking A what time it was. When I finally lost our baby I knew right away. It was like I just wanted it back so bad. Like my body physically felt empty.

Trying for M was not a joyful experience like you would want it to be. I was so heart broken that I should have been pregnant. Every negative test I just kept thinking ' I should be feeling you kick.' Miscarriage is such a lonely pain. Not only do you hear things from complete idiots, but most of the time you don't hear anything at all. I could never decide which was worse. No one loved my baby at that point like I did. To most people it was just an idea, but to me my baby was very real. I held it in my hand. He or she didn't look like anything recognizable, but I know who it was right away. A mother's attachment to her baby at even the earliest stages is such a beautiful thing. It's so hard to want something so badly and know that it will never be. That child will never be.

Five months after our loss we got pregnant again. It really came with perfect time. My sister was two months pregnant, and I won't lie it added to the sting. I was so happy for her, but just sad for me. My original due date was November 30th. Instead I went to my first appointment for M. Luckily I had an ultrasound to check on her because of my previous loss. So instead of having our angel we got to hear M's heart. We got to see her move her little arms and bounce back and forth. It was so bitter sweet. It's all bitter sweet. Most people think I probably don't care any more. That couldn't be further from the truth. I still think about the baby that might have been. Whether it was a boy or girl. What they would have looked like. M has a brother or sister looking out for her. I'll never hide that fact from her.

Some days I think about how I would be planning a first birthday right now. When I feel that pain I look down and think about how I have a beautiful three month old. I try to focus on that when I miss her brother or sister. I'm so happy for what I have. Life can be heart breaking and just when you feel like nothing is fair something happens to remind you of the beauty in life and why it's worth living to the fullest.


"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them all about you, but    since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them all about me?"

Working Mom

This past Wednesday was my first day back at work. I hadn't been there for four and a half months. Three of those months were spent cuddled up to M day in and day out. The first day was tough for both of us. She cried most of the day at my grandma's house. I walked into a crazy situation having been gone for so long. I only have two fifteen minute breaks to pump which stinks. It just didn't go well. Nothing was good. I went home so defeated and sad. The whole day I just felt like such a huge part of me was missing. Like I left my arm at home.

That night I did a lot of thinking about what would be best for Molly and I as far as her care. The plan was for her to go to my grandma and grandpa's each day. One I hated her being so far away and two I hated dragging our whole house there. I realized that I really wanted her to go to the center I work in. My preschool class would be right across the hall from her room. I loved her teachers and new them personally. I work there so I know it's a good program with a lot of benefit. I could see her throughout the day. The biggest bonus is what better break than to nurse my daughter? So I was set that I would get her in.

We all sat down and talked about it that Thursday. My grandparents understood which really helped. I wanted to make sure they new it was for my own selfish reasons and not that I didn't think they could watch her.

Friday comes along and they call me and are both sick. I couldn't get ahold of my sister. I call my Director and he says to bring her in and we'll get her enrolled as quickly as possible. Luckily around 10 she was enrolled and could go back to her room. I'm so glad we made this choice. I loved seeing her. I could feel that she was near me even when I was'nt in the room. Call me a quack, but I completely believe that she could feel it too. We sat in the breastfeeding room together nursing on my breaks. I held her close and got my fix before I had to be back. It was all perfect timing, because this Tuesday is school picture day. I am way to excited about this. I have three outfits set out to chose from. I just can't make up my mind.

With M near me these next three months won't be so bad. I feel like I got my will power to work. Who knows, maybe I'll even make it longer. I know that as long as we're together no matter what is going on in life it's good.

M's Big World

It's been pretty busy lately for all of us. It's important to me for M to get out and be apart of things. I feel like even the littlest babies need to be out seeing new things, smelling new smells, and hearing new sounds. Which is why I love to take M outside even if it is just a walk around our neighborhood. I point things out to hear and describe what we see. The tall tree with red and orange leaves. The white dog barking in it's yard. You get the point.

So now that my time off is coming to an end I wanted to do some big things together. I can't imagine not having these past twelve weeks off. Wednesday is my first day back to work and I couldn't be more nervous. Luckily there is an end in sight and come January I should be back home with her. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but when I was pregnant I flipped and decided I wanted the baby and the career. Now that I have the baby I just want the baby.

A couple weekends ago we all went to the Renaissance Festival with my sister, brother in law, and their four month old son. M loved it. Her favorite part seemed to be the parade. Her eyes were like saucers with all the brightly colored costumes and horses walking by. She had the biggest smile, and it made me so happy to be able to share that with her.

My favorite part of the day was her getting distracted by a fire juggler and me unknowingly flashing my boob to several strangers walking by. At least the worse thing that could happen while nursing in public has happened. It wasn't that bad.

All summer I've been taking M to the park as much as I can. It's been so insanely hot this summer that it wasn't always possible. My sister and I have been big on having picnics with the babies. Luckily today was beautiful out so we went for one last hoorah. We spread out blankets and laid out some toys. After we ate our lunches we took the babies to the little playground. They both loved the swings. I love seeing M as she discovers new things. Her little mind tries so hard to wrap itself around things.

All I can do is hope that these next three months fly by. I just want to be able to wake up with M right by me and know that we have the whole day just to be together.