It feels like a war. We have a solution, and then something sets us back. She's ok. She's not ok. I want to say that Natalie is the sweetest and smiliest little baby. When people always ask is she a "good baby" I have to laugh. I hate that question about any infant. Well she doesn't stay out past curfew, she doesn't swear or talk back, and so far she's not pregnant. I mean how could she be bad? She's three months old. I know what they mean. Yes she sleeps through the night at the moment. Yes she smiles a lot and doesn't cry all hours of the day. Really though it's a loaded question. She is an amazing baby, but she is in pain. It causes my heart pain.
The past couple days her reflux seems like the days when she was not diagnosed. A lot of arching. A lot of crying. Her cough is back. She is spitting up often. She sounds like she has smoked for 30 years. Tonight was the worse thus far. She cried for several hours. A cry of pain. It is so hard as a mother to sit and rock and sway and be unable to offer relief. I can shush and pray and cry with you, but I can't take away the pain, and I'm sorry.
My thoughts are that she has gained a considerable amount of weight since her last appointment. At that time they raised her dosage based on her new weight. So tomorrow first thing I'm going to call and see if they can tell me a new dosage. I just don't think we can wait till her appointment on the 20th. She needs it now. I also switched her from Gentle Ease to AR today.
She isn't spitting up as much with the AR. What she did was very thick. Not like before. However tonight was the crying fit so her spit up may be less, but her pain obviously isn't.
I just want to hear her breath easily. I want to feed her and not worry that she will lose all the food she needs. I want her to be comfortable. I want for her to be able to do whatever she wants after a bottle and not have her waiting period for when she can be out of the perfectly propped angle. I don't want to ever hear her cough, because her poor throat is burning. I won't stop looking for an answer till she is. Whether it's dosage or soy v. milk based or time. I just need to know how to relieve her pain when she screams for relief. I want to offer more than rocking and singing.
I'm her mom and I'm suppose to make it all better, but I don't. I will though eventually. I know it, because somethings got to give.