Friday, July 4, 2014

My Three Year Old

Last night I watched you sleep for a little while. I thought back to when you were a newborn and I slept every night with my blankets at my waist and no pillow. My arm tight around your side making a barricade to keep you near. Every stir and my eyes shot open. Now you stretch out in between us. Every stir and my eyes groggily open because it's usually a knee to the back.

I thought about your first bath and how you pooped all over your dad. You cried as we fumbled around frantic to get you cleaned off and back in clothes. How we matched your socks and your diaper and your specific outfit. I thought about the time when your dad covered you with a dinner napkin at a chain restaurant because I forgot your blanket.

I was so confident in all my choices, but really we had no clue. Like the time I took you to the doctor because I thought for sure you had a tumor, but really your head was just shaped funny. Just so many google searches.

You and I were still getting to know each other. We were still trying to find our way as parents. Trying to gain confidence.

Now I just feel like I know you. I know your favorite things and commonly said phrases. I can pretty much guess what your reaction is going to be. I know your fears and what makes you over the moon happy. I know your mannerisms. I see so much of myself in you. Your shyness. The imaginary friends. Even the games you play. We are so alike in our characteristics.

Our relationship reminds me of the course your father and I took. It's hard to imagine what it was like when we first dated, because now there is that comfort in knowing one another. It's hard for me to imagine that just three years ago we met for the first time, because in my heart I feel like I've known you forever. I always say I couldn't love you more than I do, and in a way that is true, but my love for you has evolved. As you grow and we get to know each other more that love deepens. Where there was once doubt in my abilities there is now peace in our familiarity. I know now that there is a great deal of forgiveness that comes along with the love between us and mistakes can be made by both of us. Our connection has grown because you have become such a part of me. A part of me that I can't imagine being without.

Happy Birthday sweet girl. You are far greater than what I ever could have imagined you to be. Even on the worst of days I count my blessing because of you. By anyways standards this has not been the greatest year. The ups and downs from your dads work schedule, the work put into this old house, and  me finding a balance as a technically work at home mom has all had its fair share of stress. In the end though it has been an amazing year, because you were in it.

Things  I don't want to forget:

How you always said "I wanna do it" in the same tone

How every time we are in the car something is chasing us

How you always tell me "I love you mommy. I so proud of you." It makes me feel like I must be doing something right in the way I talk to you.

The time we got to watch you in dance and you picked your nose and waved at me the whole time.

Your mean face

The way you always push your hair out of your face

When you climb up on your little table and say "mommy, daddy, mommy" till we look at you and then you sing a song or make one up

Your dramatic voice that is also a whisper

How everything important to you was made for you by your dad for your birthday

You running up to lightening bugs and asking "do you wanna be my friend?"

"I'll be Elsa, you be Anna, baby be Olaf, Max be Sven."

The love between you and your sister. The dynamics of your relationship reminds me so much of your aunt and mine.

Your determination.

Your independence.

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