I think as a person I am someone who gets down on myself a lot. For instance I literally just stepped in cat puke and thought to myself why can't you do anything right. Yeah because that really has anything to do with my ability as a person. I've been that way since I was little. I would fall outside and just go back in thinking how stupid I am. So as you can imagine I struggle with this daily as a mom.
I've had the feeling for a while now that I don't do enough of the things I should do and too much of the things I shouldn't. In my heart I want to make changes. Big changes. The kind of changes that go against what is now the norm in society. I don't want my iPhone distracting me. I don't want cable to plop down in front of. I don't want to be so connected to outside things that really don't matter. That's what I want in my heart, and in my mind I know it would probably solve most of my self doubt as a mother.
I want to be that family that doesn't even own a TV or has it in some remote part of the house. I want to be the mom that does activities and special things all the time. The mom that is available the majority of the time. I feel like I fail at that. I feel like I'm so distracted. Sometimes I look at Molly and wonder what she thinks of me. What does she love and what does she wish would change?
There are a couple things that have led me into this little dark period. One the past week when she cries it's for dad. This morning she woke up crying and went and banged on his bathroom door and cried for him. I went to her and told her daddy is at work and tried to hug her. She ran. Heart broken.
I feel like I am here all the time. I make her meals, bathe her, and do all of the care. He comes home for three hours tops before bed. He rides in through the garage door on a white horse and then I go make dinner. My role in her eyes is lame. That's the thing though. I'm here through the thick of it. I let things distract me because...I don't know. I don't take advantage of all the time I have to make it count.
Second her age appropriate behaviors are making me feel like a failure. I don't discipline the way I wanted to. I'm not as soft as I'd hoped. I want to be soft spoken. Not that I yell all the time. I do raise my voice. Even when I mask the way she is making me feel it's the fact that I feel it.
Third reason was this morning I went to get her some milk. She quieted down so I went to her bedroom to check on her. She was just laying there awake. So I laid down next to her. She cuddled into me and my heart felt better about the episode of her not wanting me and only dad. We laid there for awhile. Then Natalie started to cry. I felt so torn between needing to be with Molly who may not have been crying, but I could feel she needed me. Then Natalie who was ready to be up and needed a bottle. It's those impossible decisions. I feel like Natalie always wins out because of her age, and that makes me sad for Molly who is still so young. The life of a mother of two so young. Or two at all maybe.
My answer is that I need to be two people, but I can't. I'm just me. Verdict is still out on whether that is good enough.
Hopefully with better weather coming I get a better outlook on myself. Hopefully I can make the changes I need to make and be the mom I know I want to be and stop doubting whether or not I have it in me.
I hope you know that all moms struggle with this. No matter what you do, you will not feel like you've done your job to the best of your ability, when in reality you have. You will know what is right for your children and they will love you forever (even when there are times that it doesn't seem like they do). I was able to stay at home with my kids until they began school and I feel very blessed to have done so. I know at that time of being 'stuck' at home all the time with two young kids was very challenging. I look back and I think about all the things I wish I would have done or should have done. But deep in my heart I know I did what I needed for my kids. I have two very well behaved, loving, smart kiddos. And I'm grateful for that. I think a lot of the problem today is the pinterest/facebook/keeping-up-with-the-Jones' society we live in. If you look at the Jones' Facebook page it may seem as though they have it all figured out - no stress or troubles involved, but honestly those are the ones who usually have the least figured out. Stop comparing yourself with other moms - you are Natalie and Molly's mommy and that is all you need to be! Count your blessings and realize how lucky your little girls are to have a mom like you who can be with them and love them the way you do. You're doing great - don't let yourself OR the Jones' tell you any different Elise!
ReplyDeleteElise, you were never meant to fill their every need and desire. We are not able to give them everything that will make them the perfectly adjusted, well-rounded individual we desperately want them to be. The holes we leave in their hearts leave so much room for God. We don't always do the things we should, but the best thing you can do for them is forgive yourself for it and move on. God will fill in for all of our inadequacies, every one of them. When my mom was giving me advice on being a parent she said to start an Oprah list for them(a list of all the things your kids would cry to Oprah about). It helps me to put it into perspective.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I write this more for myself than for you.