With the past couple days I've come to realize that I am maybe not in the best place right now. It really has nothing to do with breastfeeding. Ok maybe it's hidden in there somewhere. On a good note I feel like I've come to accept it.
I think as a person I am someone who gets down on myself a lot. For instance I literally just stepped in cat puke and thought to myself why can't you do anything right. Yeah because that really has anything to do with my ability as a person. I've been that way since I was little. I would fall outside and just go back in thinking how stupid I am. So as you can imagine I struggle with this daily as a mom.
I've had the feeling for a while now that I don't do enough of the things I should do and too much of the things I shouldn't. In my heart I want to make changes. Big changes. The kind of changes that go against what is now the norm in society. I don't want my iPhone distracting me. I don't want cable to plop down in front of. I don't want to be so connected to outside things that really don't matter. That's what I want in my heart, and in my mind I know it would probably solve most of my self doubt as a mother.
I want to be that family that doesn't even own a TV or has it in some remote part of the house. I want to be the mom that does activities and special things all the time. The mom that is available the majority of the time. I feel like I fail at that. I feel like I'm so distracted. Sometimes I look at Molly and wonder what she thinks of me. What does she love and what does she wish would change?
There are a couple things that have led me into this little dark period. One the past week when she cries it's for dad. This morning she woke up crying and went and banged on his bathroom door and cried for him. I went to her and told her daddy is at work and tried to hug her. She ran. Heart broken.
I feel like I am here all the time. I make her meals, bathe her, and do all of the care. He comes home for three hours tops before bed. He rides in through the garage door on a white horse and then I go make dinner. My role in her eyes is lame. That's the thing though. I'm here through the thick of it. I let things distract me because...I don't know. I don't take advantage of all the time I have to make it count.
Second her age appropriate behaviors are making me feel like a failure. I don't discipline the way I wanted to. I'm not as soft as I'd hoped. I want to be soft spoken. Not that I yell all the time. I do raise my voice. Even when I mask the way she is making me feel it's the fact that I feel it.
Third reason was this morning I went to get her some milk. She quieted down so I went to her bedroom to check on her. She was just laying there awake. So I laid down next to her. She cuddled into me and my heart felt better about the episode of her not wanting me and only dad. We laid there for awhile. Then Natalie started to cry. I felt so torn between needing to be with Molly who may not have been crying, but I could feel she needed me. Then Natalie who was ready to be up and needed a bottle. It's those impossible decisions. I feel like Natalie always wins out because of her age, and that makes me sad for Molly who is still so young. The life of a mother of two so young. Or two at all maybe.
My answer is that I need to be two people, but I can't. I'm just me. Verdict is still out on whether that is good enough.
Hopefully with better weather coming I get a better outlook on myself. Hopefully I can make the changes I need to make and be the mom I know I want to be and stop doubting whether or not I have it in me.