I can't even count how many times people told me how easy a repeat c section would be. How this time I knew what was coming and I would just wake up and walk in. Like it was that simple. It may not make sense, but I was a hundred times more nervous for Natalie's c section than I was for Molly's. With M I was so afraid of something happening to her I just wanted it done and I wanted her in my arms. Those twenty minutes laying on my back after being side to side to stabilize her were torture. A planned c section just leaves so much time to dwell.
I knew Natalie's birthday would come quick. With Holidays things seem to sneak up on you and time just flies by. Before I knew it the week was here. Part of me wanted it to rush by and the other part wanted time to freeze. One, I would never be pregnant again. I would never feel a baby kick. I'd never have that cute belly that makes everyone look adorable no matter how huge it is or how many chins you have. Two, it would never be us three again. Which is ok, but at the same time bitter sweet. Three, I didn't know what was coming. I didn't know what two kids would be like or how well I would be at it. I was afraid and for honestly the first time as a mom I felt inadequate.
I remember the day before surgery I went in for my NST and pre-op class. My hands were shaking and everyone just kept saying their congratulations and how much easier the second surgery is. How I'd be fine. I'm not fine! Maybe it's the fact that I knew what to expect. I knew what it was like to get an epidural. I knew how sick I felt in surgery. I knew what it was like for an epidural to go too high. That crushing feeling. All of those things I let cloud the most important thing I knew. What it was like to see them for the first time. That cry. Those soft cheeks. That first time nursing. The chaotic yet calming first days.
I let my nerves get the best of me. So the day was here and my surgery was set for 12pm. We all got dressed and ready for the big event. Molly went to my sister's house to wait until it was time for her to come to the hospital. We got there right on time at 9am. How can you not be punctual to something you've been waiting nine months for?
Before we knew it the clock said 11:45. Seriously, I think I had a mini heart attack. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for surgery. I wasn't ready to meet her. No joke, I was worried she wouldn't love me. I can laugh about that now that she wants to be on my chest 24/7 and lays there just watching me at night. I was lucky to have a good friend in surgery with me. She came in our room to explain the process and what we were about to do.
"Right now? You mean we're doing this right now?" Yes. Right now. You know those moments that are just so big in life and it feels like you're standing right at that threshold and part of you wants to dive in and the other part just wants to throw up because life as you know it will never be the same. It's hard to take those steps towards your new life. Not just out of fear, but from your feet that are now jelly with anticipation, excitement, and yes a little bit of fear.
So I walked the hall to our future with my friend at my side and my husband as my rock waiting to join me. The spinal block wasn't as bad as I had made it out in my mind. Yet again it took three tries to get it in. I think the surgical staff had a good laugh at my nerves. Before I knew it the curtain was up and it was time.
Adam rubbed my hair and kept my mind from being so nervous. The spinal block still went too high. It wasn't as bad as last time, and I knew what was happening. My stomach was still in knots and a felt on the verge of throwing up the whole time. It was manageable. They were right. The second time knowing what to expect was easier.
I don't know how long it took. All I know is before I knew it they were warning me of the pressure and then I heard the most beautiful sound any person can hear in this life. That cry. They brought this beautiful little girl around the curtain. Full of black hair and so tiny. So polar opposite of her sister. So ours. She was ours. The love that just courses through you. In those first seconds when you make a million promises to that little life that is in your hands. That life that somehow you were seen fit to be blessed with and was created through you. A life that God planned and brought to life through you and your husband. It truly is a miracle and the beauty of birth, any birth, is the most breathtaking thing. It's the process in which a life comes from one world into the next, and you were that vessel
No matter where it happens or how it happens or which way they came out it is so beautiful.
Natalie Sue, I truly pray that not an ounce of you ever doubts that I love you more than anything. That your life has made mine worthwhile. That your future is my future, and I will do anything to support the paths that you chose. I hope that I can be the kind of mother that teaches you to chose those paths wisely.
In those moments when I first saw you and you laid next to me cheek to cheek I made a promise to you to be the mother you deserve. I hope I measure up and I hope in times you don't think I do that you know I am trying my best and I'll always make it up to you.
I love you.