Like I mentioned in the last post, this pregnancy has come with a lot of emotions. A lot of over thinking things and crying in public. Lately I've been thinking a lot about childhood. Don't you miss the magic? How the littlest things brought so much happiness. Most of all don't you miss not even being aware that you should care what others think?
These thoughts started to hit me these past couple weeks. This past Sunday we took M to the mall to meet Santa and get some shopping done. Once we were finished we took her to the play area. I took her on the carousal and she was just so happy. She handed the woman our money and took her ticket. I put her on the horse and strapped her in. Her face lit up. The lights, the music, the insanely slow moving ride. It was magic to her. She ran around the play area going from one thing to the next. So in all my pregnant glory I start crying. Luckily just tears. Not full on red face cry. It's such an emotional thing seeing your child interact with others. Seeing them so happy. Or maybe I'm just pregnant.
The next day we took our usual grocery shopping trip. We happened to use the other entrance which means she gets to ride the dinosaur. This thing is your typical grocery store ride. Incredibly slow and rocks back and forth. To her it's the best ride ever. As soon as she sees it she is neighing. I guess the Flintstones dinosaur resembles a horse in her eyes. Close. So I'm standing there watching as she rocks back and forth. People walk by. Some stop for a moment to watch her. Then the water works start, and here is why.
When you're little the whole world is amazing. Everything can be something fun. There is magic and adventure everywhere. You can see it in her eyes. When they light up my heart literally bursts with happiness. She has no concept of being embarrassed. She doesn't care that people are watching her ride the dinosaur. She doesn't get nervous to have other kids around while she does her thing and is who she is. She's just happy.
You get to a point in life when you feel a little silly trick or treating. At some point you want to ride the dinosaur, but you know other people are watching. There comes a time when you can fall on your face and you don't just get back up and run smiling.
Watching her live and enjoy her bubble is all I ever need to be happy, but there is the other side. I can't stop thinking about the day when all of that will change. I can't stop crying about it at random points like the grocery store.
Some day someone is going to hurt her feelings, and I can't kick their ass because they'll probably be 7 years old. Some day she is going to trip and be embarrassed. Some day she won't want me to pay for the dinosaur ride. It kills me. Even thinking about the day when she feels pain kills me. It hasn't even happened yet! I've got a good six years! At least I hope. I can't protect her forever.
I guess my plan is to tell her how much I love her every single day. I will do my best to give her true confidence without making her self important and spoiled. I'll be as silly as I can be right along with her so she knows there is no shame. I'll instill all the love and acceptance I have so that she is there for the underdog and strong enough to be the underdog herself if need be.
Please excuse the ramblings of this emotional pregnant chick.