A New Leaf

Every women has an idea in her head of the mother she will be the second she sees those lines pop up. You can't help but start to day dream about all the things that will soon come to be. What convictions you will stand by. What will roll off your back. What techniques you believe in. Every soon to be mom has a mile long list of things they will never do and their child will never do. Then you bring home your baby and real quick your list dwindles down to the sole I will never.

1. I will never say I will never again.

I remember when I was pregnant I was so huge on having no battery operated toys. My family would always laugh that Molly was going to have to entertain herself with a stick. I can't take a step without something going off. Not that it matters much now, but Molly was cloth diapered for her first year. Now she is usually in underwear or butt naked. Natalie was never cloth diapered. With Molly we did baby led weaning. (skipping purees and going straight to solids) Natalie is not even three months and I am already thinking about how easy twisting off a jar lid looks when the time comes.

As time passes it's not that all my convictions of motherhood have gone. I still stand by the basis. I love attachment parenting. I 100% believe in co sleeping and baby wearing and breastfeeding even though I no longer am.

 Still there is so much that I thought I would do or be that has flown out the window. Whether it be that it didn't work the way I thought or it wasn't for the child I have or the fact that time is no longer on my side.

We all have expectations of who we will be when our baby comes into our lives. It's easy to have your ideas set to something specific, but the problem with that is that babies and children fit no mold. You can have any idea you want, but your child may have a completely different idea, personality, or need.

I still stand by research, preparation, and having parental goals. Here is what I no longer stand by. Feeling like a failure because I don't fit the mold I thought I would.

It came to me through several comments and some deep thinking. I'm not a bad mom and I shouldn't be hard on myself. I have set an insanely high standard for myself that not even my children expect of me. They want love, shelter, food, and everything else is just fluff. We don't need to do a daily craft. It's ok that my iPad has probably taught her more things than I have. It's ok that some days there is way too much CSI going on in the background. It's ok that her first combined words were chicken nugget.

They never go to bed feeling unloved. That above all tells me I'm doing this right. The thing is setting this unattainable standard isn't making me strive for more. It's making me crack under pressure.

So I'm throwing out my ideas of the perfect mom, and I'm making up my mind that the perfect mom is the one I see in the mirror. Not just because I don't want the pressure, but because I don't want to teach my girls to put that kind of pressure on themselves. They don't need to be perfect. They need to be who they are and they need to be ok with it. They need to know that doing your best is good enough and it doesn't matter what you see everyone else doing. You don't know how that seemingly perfect person feels about themselves anyway. So this isn't just for me. It's so I can be the kind of role model I want to be. If there is one thing I knew then and still know now it's that if there is something I couldn't do for myself I know two people I can always do it for easy.

Bad Mom Blues

With the past couple days I've come to realize that I am maybe not in the best place right now. It really has nothing to do with breastfeeding. Ok maybe it's hidden in there somewhere. On a good note I feel like I've come to accept it.

I think as a person I am someone who gets down on myself a lot. For instance I literally just stepped in cat puke and thought to myself why can't you do anything right. Yeah because that really has anything to do with my ability as a person. I've been that way since I was little. I would fall outside and just go back in thinking how stupid I am. So as you can imagine I struggle with this daily as a mom.

I've had the feeling for a while now that I don't do enough of the things I should do and too much of the things I shouldn't. In my heart I want to make changes. Big changes. The kind of changes that go against what is now the norm in society. I don't want my iPhone distracting me. I don't want cable to plop down in front of. I don't want to be so connected to outside things that really don't matter. That's what I want in my heart, and in my mind I know it would probably solve most of my self doubt as a mother.

I want to be that family that doesn't even own a TV or has it in some remote part of the house. I want to be the mom that does activities and special things all the time. The mom that is available the majority of the time. I feel like I fail at that. I feel like I'm so distracted. Sometimes I look at Molly and wonder what she thinks of me. What does she love and what does she wish would change?

There are a couple things that have led me into this little dark period. One the past week when she cries it's for dad. This morning she woke up crying and went and banged on his bathroom door and cried for him. I went to her and told her daddy is at work and tried to hug her. She ran. Heart broken.

I feel like I am here all the time. I make her meals, bathe her, and do all of the care. He comes home for three hours tops before bed. He rides in through the garage door on a white horse and then I go make dinner. My role in her eyes is lame. That's the thing though. I'm here through the thick of it. I let things distract me because...I don't know. I don't take advantage of all the time I have to make it count.

Second her age appropriate behaviors are making me feel like a failure. I don't discipline the way I wanted to. I'm not as soft as I'd hoped. I want to be soft spoken. Not that I yell all the time. I do raise my voice. Even when I mask the way she is making me feel it's the fact that I feel it.

Third reason was this morning I went to get her some milk. She quieted down so I went to her bedroom to check on her. She was just laying there awake. So I laid down next to her. She cuddled into me and my heart felt better about the episode of her not wanting me and only dad. We laid there for awhile. Then Natalie started to cry. I felt so torn between needing to be with Molly who may not have been crying, but I could feel she needed me. Then Natalie who was ready to be up and needed a bottle. It's those impossible decisions. I feel like Natalie always wins out because of her age, and that makes me sad for Molly who is still so young. The life of a mother of two so young. Or two at all maybe.

My answer is that I need to be two people, but I can't. I'm just me. Verdict is still out on whether that is good enough.

Hopefully with better weather coming I get a better outlook on myself. Hopefully I can make the changes I need to make and be the mom I know I want to be and stop doubting whether or not I have it in me.

No Longer Breastfeeding

It's with a heavy heart that I write this. Really, I can't believe I'm about to. As quick as it will be to read this, it's taken me awhile to sort out what to say. I want to get it right, because it's important. It matters to me, and if God forbid one of my daughters wants to breastfeed but can't I want them to read the raw emotion that can sometimes come from that and know they are not alone.

I have gone back and forth between being ok and being crushed by guilt. I go back and forth on whether or not I gave up or if I made an intelligent choice that was truly best for our family. I will probably never know. I don't know what happened. I know that from the start Natalie has never been very interested in nursing. I know that she was not growing properly and very lethargic. I know she wasn't going to be a breastfed baby, but what I do know I gave up on his her being a baby that received breast milk. I didn't want to pump for nine months. I wanted to enjoy those nine months. So was it selfish? Would it be more selfish for her not to get breast milk the whole nine months or would it be more selfish to tie myself to her feedings and pumping. For both kids. I don't know.

I do know deep down that there was probably more I could have done, but I didn't.

My body feels empty. I feel like I have this infant, but my body doesn't quite understand now. Some times I feel like it's almost yearning to do what it knows it should be, but it's not. Then I sit and think wow this is so much different. It really is entirely different. No fumbling in public with her as she refuses to latch. No pump parts and hour long pumping sessions. No weight worries. It's just different. It's the first time in almost three years that I haven't been pregnant or breastfeeding. Is it different in a better way? No.

The thing is it's not just the guilt that gets to me. It's that who I am as a mother feels like it's been shaken. I am a breastfeeding mom. What happened to my goal of two years this time? I like a million different natural, attachment, pro breastfeeding pages. Every day I feel bombarded with facts I know. I agree with even still. Yet now all it does is fill me with overwhelming grief and guilt because I...gave up.

It's like with all that I do to fit into that crowd I feel like this outsider. How can I still be this pro breastfeeding advocate but not breastfeed. I feel like a phony.

So that's it. I feel like my body is empty. I feel useless sometimes to my child. I feel guilt. I feel like I no longer belong with the women I once strongly identified with. Then the next minute I feel fine.

I will probably never really be sure if I was one of those women that just couldn't get breastfeeding to be the best choice this round or if I just gave up. Either way it sucks.

Reflux {And Following Your Mommy Instincts}

I swear there is something to be said about a mother's instinct. I knew from the beginning something was different about Natalie. She didn't have much interest in eating. She got what I would describe as a frothy mouth and would often choke on her saliva. She often breathed like something was in her throat. Then at two months she developed a cough.

This past Monday was her two month check up and I asked her doctor about her cough. He said she had a virus and prescribed her some amoxacylin. I also asked him about the possibility of her having reflux. It was quickly dismissed even with her very low weight gain and that also being a sign of reflux.

I didn't really like the answer, but hey I'm not a doctor. Still I knew something wasn't right. During this time I had decided to no longer breastfeed. I was going to use up my freezer stash and then switch her to formula. It wasn't an easy choice, but more on that later.

While I struggled with wanting a different opinion and feeling some sort of loyalty to a doctor I never really liked going to I had a MOPS meeting. Thank goodness for mom groups. What an awesome thing to be able to come together with different knowledge and perspectives. At this meeting I was approached by several moms who were as concerned about her weight as I was. They gave me a number to a pediatrician. I called the next day and luckily got in right away.

This doctor is amazing. She listens, and she doesn't even need to, because she knows. She knew in minutes that Natalie had REFLUX! Even her cough is caused by her reflux. She didn't have to listen to me. She just had to listen to Natalie.

We now have a totally different baby. She's gaining weight so quickly. She is happy and alert. Her cough is gone. Right now she is on Zantac three times a day and a teaspoon of cereal in her night bottle. She no longer has horrible breathing at night because of it. Of course my worry as her mom will always be there, but I feel so much better now that she feels so much better.

I don't know if I'm crying because of how you're acting or because of how I am reacting

Breath in. Breath out. I hate to say that I need to take a little break from the person I love more than anyone in the whole world, but I do. So I closed off everything and put up all the gates. Got in the shower and closed the door. Breath out. I ran through all my thoughts and emotions and collected myself. I hate these days.

One day you'll think about having kids and then one day you'll come to that point and five hundred people will tell you how hard it is. They're right, but they don't need to put it like that. Dear Lord is it hard. Just not hard in the way that you think. What's hard is having to raise your voice to someone you never want to do more than shush, rock, and hold close. What's hard is being stern when you wish you could just be enjoying every second you're given. I hate getting on to you. That's one thing. What absolutely kills me is when I get to this point. Where it's to the I need a break point.

See what hurts more than your developmentally appropriate two year old rebellion is the parent role where I teach you boundaries. That part of parenting sucks, because you always second guess how you're doing it. Especially when you have to do those things in anger. If someone were to tell me they have never been there I don't know if I should give them a medal or call bull shit.

So with that I got you girls together to go out for more milk. The plan was for you to take your nap while I got peanut and I ready. What happened was you fought me for two hours. I stepped away and then collected myself enough to take you two in pajamas. Yeah. I was that mom. Which gave me a new found respect for that mom.

Here is the killer. Once we got out of the car it was snowing big beautiful flakes. The whole way in you laughed and laughed saying snow over and over again. Damn. I put in your lessons I hope to teach you that no one can make you feel anything. I find that to be the most important thing to know in parenting. You can't make me mad if I don't allow it. I think every parent can agree that once it happens it is always followed by some sweet moment that makes you kick yourself for letting it happen. At this point I'm aware, and when these times happen I know I'm going to kick myself later.

I'm trying. I don't get angry often, but lord do I hate when I do. I'll never be a perfect parent, but I promise you that I'll always keep striving to be.

You are the most strong willed person I know. You are just like me. It's one of those things that I love the most about you, but it can be one of the things that drives me crazy about you. I just need to move forward with nurturing it and learning how to control it a little bit instead of reacting to it.

I love you and tomorrow will be a better day.

Not the update I wanted

I wanted to write a positive update on breastfeeding, but it looks like I won't be for now. I just need some deep breaths and some thought gathering. I want to enjoy feeding Natalie. I want it to be like before with Molly. It just isn't. That's a hard thing to swallow.

I am this breastfeeding mom that wears my babies in slings and we all pile into one bed. Do those things really define me as a mother or is what defines me my love and attitude. Is what defines me the approach I take and the way that I listen. As Dr. Sears says the 7 baby Bs aren't all or nothing. Attachment parenting is your calm and instinctual approach to raising your children. Right now breastfeeding isn't feeling calm and its not instinctual. What is is doing what is absolute best for Natalie and I. So I am back to that cross roads where I don't know which is.

Yesterday I heard what no breastfeeding mother wants to hear. She isn't gaining weight. I think the news hit me like a ton of bricks. It took all the air out me even though deep down, I know. I know she's tiny. I know she doesn't want to eat often. I know she does better with a bottle.

So the answers he gave could be three things. I don't make enough. It's not fatty enough. She has been congested and can't eat as well. Yesterday I thought one of those answers could change everything and I could be fine to breastfeed. Two of them could make the choice formula. Today I don't even care, and I just want this to be enjoyable. I want her to gain weight. I want her congestion to be over. I want her to stop spitting up so much. I just don't want this worry. Is formula the answer to that? I guess I wouldn't know until it happened.

So for the past two days I've been pumping. In so much pain I can hardly bare it. See to add to all of this I have horrible thrush. Like no skin on my nipples thrush. Each time I pump it's just more gone. It is so extremely painful and I get a couple ounces.

So I'm sitting here thinking what am I doing this for? When does breastfeeding not become best? If this were Molly I would be beyond crushed. This time around is different though. I feel like this time I know breastfeeding doesn't completely define me. I know that slings and bed sharing and all of those things don't make me the mother I am. I know I am a damn good one without it. This time around I don't care what people think. I remember with Molly I was self conscious to feed her a bottle of pumped milk in public, because hey I breastfeed damnit! This time is just different. This time I have settled into my role as mom. I am who I am as far as all the fluff. Like what she eats and where she sleeps. I love her with all of me and every decision she is what is taken into account first. That is who I am as a mom.

Now if only I can be brave enough to face whatever emotions I have when I let this go and accept that it isn't really working.

15 Things I Want To Teach My Daughters

It's a hard thing to express what it means to be a mother of a daughter. As I am sure it is of a son. I, however, have two daughters so that is what I know. I know the overwhelming sense of pride I get. I know I wouldn't trade it for the world. I know that while I wouldn't mind having a son I am quite content and happy that I am a mother to two daughters. I don't have that desire like some do to parent each. I look at them and even so young I identify with them and what they will face in life. Obstacles I know they will one day have to overcome. While it kills me to know those things it also makes me a stronger women in order to be a better example.

I don't want to talk bad about myself. I don't want to spend hours in front of a mirror. I don't want to pick apart someones shoes or outfit. I want to take care of myself. I want to take pride in who I am. It's a harsh world out there and I won't pretend that it's not or shelter them from it to the point they aren't prepared when there is no choice but to go out into it. I know it's harsh, but I want them to be some light in it. That's all that I can really hope for.

As I was thinking on all these things tonight I thought to myself that I should write this down for them, because having two daughters has made me connect to my own mother in a new way. It's made me walk in her shoes and how terrifying it must have been to face not being there to walk her two daughters through a harsh world. How she would have given anything to be here to show us she does identify and that we aren't alone in our feelings. I know that this fear can tragically become a reality. Which is why it needs to be said. So if God forbid there is a day where I'm not there to say it, I already have.

1. The most interesting people are the people who are themselves, because they aren't like everybody else. Take solace in dancing to the beat of your own drum.

2. Someone will always find something wrong with you. Take the time to find everything right with them. Don't be that someone for anyone. Put love into the world and you are bound to get love back.

3. As crucial as high school may seem it does end in four years. The only crucial part is the education. Everyone looks back and has at least one regret. Don't let your regret be how you treated people.

4. No matter what you know or feel is wrong or sin don't judge the person who does it. Instead think or listen as to why, and be there. Learn to put yourself in others shoes. Then do what you can for them.  Be a shoulder or a hand to those who struggle. You'll have a shoulder or a hand in them for life.

5. Whoever it is that you love is ok. Just as long as they treat you how you deserve to be treated. You accept the love you feel you deserve, and you deserve a lot.

6. You are worth it.

7. Just because everyone is doing something doesn't make it cool. Usually that's when it becomes uncool.

8. Nobody can make you feel anything. Don't allow it.

9. Learn to keep a secret. It's hard to turn back from being the person who tells it all.

10. Be the friend you want to have. Be the wife you want your daughter to be and marry the husband you would want her to have.

11.The guys you attract by playing dumb aren't the guys you want.

12. Speak to people the way you want to be spoken to. Respect gets you a long way.

13. Listen. It's not always about you.

14. Do everything with your whole heart. Live life with passion.

15. Don't hesitate to do or say what you feel. Opinions and thoughts should be shared. Don't just surround yourself with people who share yours.