Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Not the update I wanted

I wanted to write a positive update on breastfeeding, but it looks like I won't be for now. I just need some deep breaths and some thought gathering. I want to enjoy feeding Natalie. I want it to be like before with Molly. It just isn't. That's a hard thing to swallow.

I am this breastfeeding mom that wears my babies in slings and we all pile into one bed. Do those things really define me as a mother or is what defines me my love and attitude. Is what defines me the approach I take and the way that I listen. As Dr. Sears says the 7 baby Bs aren't all or nothing. Attachment parenting is your calm and instinctual approach to raising your children. Right now breastfeeding isn't feeling calm and its not instinctual. What is is doing what is absolute best for Natalie and I. So I am back to that cross roads where I don't know which is.

Yesterday I heard what no breastfeeding mother wants to hear. She isn't gaining weight. I think the news hit me like a ton of bricks. It took all the air out me even though deep down, I know. I know she's tiny. I know she doesn't want to eat often. I know she does better with a bottle.

So the answers he gave could be three things. I don't make enough. It's not fatty enough. She has been congested and can't eat as well. Yesterday I thought one of those answers could change everything and I could be fine to breastfeed. Two of them could make the choice formula. Today I don't even care, and I just want this to be enjoyable. I want her to gain weight. I want her congestion to be over. I want her to stop spitting up so much. I just don't want this worry. Is formula the answer to that? I guess I wouldn't know until it happened.

So for the past two days I've been pumping. In so much pain I can hardly bare it. See to add to all of this I have horrible thrush. Like no skin on my nipples thrush. Each time I pump it's just more gone. It is so extremely painful and I get a couple ounces.

So I'm sitting here thinking what am I doing this for? When does breastfeeding not become best? If this were Molly I would be beyond crushed. This time around is different though. I feel like this time I know breastfeeding doesn't completely define me. I know that slings and bed sharing and all of those things don't make me the mother I am. I know I am a damn good one without it. This time around I don't care what people think. I remember with Molly I was self conscious to feed her a bottle of pumped milk in public, because hey I breastfeed damnit! This time is just different. This time I have settled into my role as mom. I am who I am as far as all the fluff. Like what she eats and where she sleeps. I love her with all of me and every decision she is what is taken into account first. That is who I am as a mom.

Now if only I can be brave enough to face whatever emotions I have when I let this go and accept that it isn't really working.

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