Heavy Hearts

Today is a blurry numb day. As it is for most of the country. To say that the heartless shooting that occurred yesterday was a tragedy is putting it mildly. I don't think we have a word for it.

A parent's love for their child is something that you can only fully grasp when you become a parent. When you see your baby for the first time your life's meaning makes such a monumental shift. Your purpose is now to protect, love, and nurture this innocent life. I think every parent has a deep fear of the possible time where they may not be able to protect that innocent life.

It is a completely unnatural thing for a parent to outlive a child. Yet it happens every day. I can't imagine a more empty room than that of a child lost. No bigger hole left in your heart. There couldn't be a more terrible silence then the silent home that no longer has their child.

To know your child was afraid and alone. To know they wanted you, but you couldn't be there. It's gut wrenching. It just shouldn't be. It's hard to understand that this was the life plan for these beautiful children.

Every person in this country is grieving for the lives lost. My heart is just breaking for these families. It's  breaking for the survivors. I can't stop thinking about the gifts under the trees. The excitement that children wake up with every day. The little quarks and laughs that fill a home. All gone out of these parent's life. What step do you take after such a loss?

For the rest of us. Pray. These people need prayers, support, and love. What we can do is not the response of hold your children tight tonight. Hold them tight every night. Don't stress when it's the third time they've been up that night. Don't get angry when they have been crying all day. Don't let yourself be bothered when they need you over and over again. Enjoy the loud noises, messy floors, and daily grind of parenthood. Twenty families went to bed last night without the most precious thing in their lives. Twenty families are grieving for those loud noises and hassles. As much as life changes and becomes a harder thing when you have a child. The changes that come with no longer having them is beyond imaginable. I think millions of parent's have realized this yesterday.

Lately

I've been doing my best to keep us busy these past couple weeks. I'm not sure if I'm trying to speed things up for Natalie or if I'm trying to savor every moment where things are just a little bit easier. There are so many moments in the day where I think 'wow how do you do this with two?' How do I get to the car? How do I get out of the car? What shopping cart can house my wild toddler and tiny newborn? Will I ever go out to eat again? Will we ever bathe?

I have a few plans which could all be wishful thinking. Plan of attack 1) Do almost everything on the floor. Nurse Natalie, change Natalie, and let her play on the floor. My hopes are that being on the floor even though tied up in her care makes Molly feel like we are all together and some focus is on her. I can interact with her and she can help in the care. Plan of attack 2) Molly and I have finally settled into an awesome bath routine. Basically she showers with me. I get out and fill the tub. She plays while I do my hair and make up. So either Natalie will be in a bouncer in the bathroom or I'll be investing in a water sling. My vote is for water sling, but my husband would probably say different.

As for getting to the car. Who knows. I guess the mobile one goes first. Then I come back for Natalie? At this point I grocery shop on Sundays and Molly stays home with dad. I would have never thought my one hour of amazing me time would be my grocery trip. Some weekends this doesn't happen though. In those cases I am that mom with my kid in the cart stepping all over the food. Just today I bought a busted open banana. In this instance my guess is Molly gets the cart and Natalie will be in my amazingly coveted rainbow girasol wrap.(drool)

When I sit and think about all these scenarios and tell myself all these solutions it really helps with the worry. Then someone comes along and tells me how impossibly hard having two kids is and I start to think I'm an idiot. None of these will help and my life will be total chaos. However crazy it gets I can't imagine having double the love that I have for M. It's beyond comprehension, and I think just like the first you have to experience having the second to truly understand what it's like. The love, the chaos, and all the stuff in between.

So we've been going, crafting, playing, and having fun. Here are some priceless works of art by Molly.

Just because I love sleeping pictures.

Fit

I had one goal in mind when I found out I was pregnant with Natalie. Do not eat everything in sight. This is easier said than done.  I've never been one to follow a really healthy lifestyle. I hate to admit that, but it's true. Having a toddler means I have to make veggies. I have to serve fruit. I can't feed her happy meals every night. So in those regards I have been kept in check. However I can't say that I wouldn't hide behind something and stuff myself with Oreos.

When I was pregnant with Molly I ate everything. I overly indulged in any craving at any time. I also gained 40lbs. Which in the world of pregnancy isn't too bad, but it is when you're 5'2" and "overweight" to begin with. This time I wanted to do better. I wanted to hold myself accountable and eat healthy. I'm not the best at meeting goals. Really I'm pretty bad about seeing things through. I know this post is full of good thoughts. So I didn't set my hopes high that I would actually do this.

In the first four months I lost 7lbs. I was sick and didn't really desire much of anything. So by the time I started to gain I was 137lbs. It had been awhile since I'd seen that shiny number. Part of me was upset that I had finally gotten down to a goal weight ( thanks to morning sickness) and I would only be gaining it back again. Wah. I can say lucky for me the cravings this time have been different. I want milk, applesauce, and salad. Can this just stay forever?



As you can see I have a sugar problem.

So two weeks ago I went into the doctor and stripped my boots, belt, earrings. Kidding, but I do take off my shoes despite the nurse's odd looks. Every bit counts lady! To my surprise my doctor commended me on good weight gain. So far 18lbs. This lit a fire. I can do this?! Yes we can!

So with the help of the most useful app of all time, My Fitness Pal, I have been obsessively tracking my calories and sodium intake for the past two weeks. No, I'm not cutting calories. I'm just making sure I don't eat 5,000 a day. I want low sodium, because with Molly I swelled so much in the end. I was informed I ate too much sodium and carbs. Umm...what else is there?

Counting calories is seriously amazing. I know that sounds crazy. It holds me accountable. It's something visual I can look at. I eat so much better now that I realize what two oreos or a 5 layer burrito means to my daily intake.


As of this week I have lost 2lbs since my appointment a week ago. Not my intent, but it's not the end of the world. I'll make it up I'm sure. Now my total gain is 16lbs with about 6 weeks to go. I can do this! I just want to be healthy. I want a healthier start once she is here. Hopefully it won't be hard to get off with the help of this addictive app and breastfeeding. Maybe I'll even throw in a couple walks.

Keeping The Bubble

Like I mentioned in the last post, this pregnancy has come with a lot of emotions. A lot of over thinking things and crying in public. Lately I've been thinking a lot about childhood. Don't you miss the magic? How the littlest things brought so much happiness. Most of all don't you miss not even being aware that you should care what others think?

These thoughts started to hit me these past couple weeks. This past Sunday we took M to the mall to meet Santa and get some shopping done. Once we were finished we took her to the play area. I took her on the carousal and she was just so happy. She handed the woman our money and took her ticket. I put her on the horse and strapped her in. Her face lit up. The lights, the music, the insanely slow moving ride. It was magic to her. She ran around the play area going from one thing to the next. So in all my pregnant glory I start crying. Luckily just tears. Not full on red face cry. It's such an emotional thing seeing your child interact with others. Seeing them so happy. Or maybe I'm just pregnant.

The next day we took our usual grocery shopping trip. We happened to use the other entrance which means she gets to ride the dinosaur. This thing is your typical grocery store ride. Incredibly slow and rocks back and forth. To her it's the best ride ever. As soon as she sees it she is neighing. I guess the Flintstones dinosaur resembles a horse in her eyes. Close. So I'm standing there watching as she rocks back and forth. People walk by. Some stop for a moment to watch her. Then the water works start, and here is why.

When you're little the whole world is amazing. Everything can be something fun. There is magic and adventure everywhere. You can see it in her eyes. When they light up my heart literally bursts with happiness. She has no concept of being embarrassed. She doesn't care that people are watching her ride the dinosaur. She doesn't get nervous to have other kids around while she does her thing and is who she is. She's just happy.

You get to a point in life when you feel a little silly trick or treating. At some point you want to ride the dinosaur, but you know other people are watching. There comes a time when you can fall on your face and you don't just get back up and run smiling.

Watching her live and enjoy her bubble is all I ever need to be happy, but there is the other side. I can't stop thinking about the day when all of that will change. I can't stop crying about it at random points like the grocery store.

Some day someone is going to hurt her feelings, and I can't kick their ass because they'll probably be 7 years old. Some day she is going to trip and be embarrassed. Some day she won't want me to pay for the dinosaur ride. It kills me. Even thinking about the day when she feels pain kills me. It hasn't even happened yet! I've got a good six years! At least I hope. I can't protect her forever.

I guess my plan is to tell her how much I love her every single day. I will do my best to give her true confidence without making her self important and spoiled. I'll be as silly as I can be right along with her so she knows there is no shame. I'll instill all the love and acceptance I have so that she is there for the underdog and strong enough to be the underdog herself if need be.

Please excuse the ramblings of this emotional pregnant chick.