Friday, June 10, 2016

Nolan Six Months

I can't believe we are already here at six months. It always stings, but as the last baby it's a knife to the heart. I wish I could keep you a baby forever. At the same time I've seen your sisters grow and become their own person and I sit and imagine who you will be. What on earth you'll look like since so far not one of you has been similar!

When we had two children I had a constant tugging at my heart. I just felt like there was one more to meet. I'd sit and watch them play outside and think someone is missing. Now that you are here I know I was 100% right. No doubt in my mind you were meant to be in my life.

You have not made it an easy six months. Not just with your birth and NICU. Then you missing the hospital and hitting up the ICU. You are tough. At three weeks old you flipped a switch. You cried so much. You've been to a chiropractor more than most adults. Countless white noise you tube videos. Wraps. Warm rags on your belly. Gas drops, gripe water, anything.

I remember a day at church I couldn't quiet you even in the foyer. So I took you to a room and just cried with you. We sat there together crying with my boob out.

Despite all the struggle you are just a little slice of peace. My heart takes so much comfort in having you here. When you hold your baby to you and you can't tell where you end and they begin. Just like your one again during pregnancy. Everyone warned me to put you down, but I can't. I want to be as close as possible. Sometimes I think I'm making up for the time we were apart after birth. As tough as you are, the worse day with you is a million times better than the best day without you.

I was so worried you wouldn't bond with me and now people enjoy being around you as long as I'm there too. You will break your neck trying to look for me. I get about an hour away from you if I need something done and you have to go to grandma's or your aunt's. Then I get the call "So...where are you?" It can be tough, but secretly I relish in the fact that you are your mama's boy. No doubt as much as I need you, you need me too.

I love you, Nolan. With all my heart. I look at you and think this is my son. It's too good to be true I would think, but it's real.

Happy six months sweet child of mine.

Things I don't want to forget:

Your huge smile and the way your eyes light up.

They way you grab my neck and burry your face into me.

When you "crawl" you hop your legs up and down and lung.

How much you love looking in a mirror.

Your growl.

Nose nursing.

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