It started as an outlet for me to discuss my "offbeat" parenting choices. Now that most of those have been compromised the name may not seem to fit, but to me it does. This life always has been offbeat and even though my life may be the norm I just don't feel it. So really it's just my jumbled thoughts for my girls. Our daily life that happens to consist of learning. So at times a blog on learning. At times my hopes and thoughts written down for them so they don't get lost in the busyness of life. One thing I always wanted to write about was just my life. Where I've been. Important moments. For the same reason. Just so it's written down for them. I just felt like that would be one more odd thing to throw in here. But who cares because in all reality this is for me and for them. So from time to time if i want to talk about lessons learned I think that's ok.
So Arizona...
About five years ago I was stuck. No plans. No hopes. Just living through the days and spending some sad nights. The nice thing was I wasn't spending the sad nights alone. I had made a really good long distance friend. I think as people we feel that the best connections are those made in person. I disagree. It's nice sometimes to be able to hide behind a computer screen. To be real and not have to save face. There isn't that pressure to be the person you think that person wants you to be or the person you feel you should.
I've always been the black sheep. The outsider. Any connection I had was built on a guise of the person I thought people wanted me to be. Or a person I thought would be likable, but the honesty wasn't there. This was the first time I felt like I was being seen, and accepted. So when the offer to move to Arizona came around I jumped. I saved up my very small income for a couple months and loaded my beater truck, worldly possessions, and cat to head to a new life. A better life.
If you ever get the opportunity for adventure then the best choice will probably be to take it.
You may be thinking why are you not still in Arizona? A lot of reasons. All the enlightening things an adventure should teach you. A lot about the world and about yourself.
Arizona was perfect. It was beautiful and life was happening. I never watched TV. I never went to Walmart. It was full of art loving free thinkers like I thought I was and am. It was everything I dreamed my home to be, but it wasn't really.
I went from being an outsider to feeling like a poser. With all these people around that I thought I was just like I couldn't form one deep friendship. Not only was I outside, but I was playing dress up. I was left feeling hopeless. If this wasn't my place than what place could be?
Right before I moved home I found this little magnet in an artsy boutique that says "Sometimes right back where you started from is right where you belong." It's on our fridge now. It's what sparked this post.
I didn't just find that magnet and have an epiphany. I didn't move home and realize all the things I needed to know. It took several years before things fell into place. When they did I accepted and realized this. Why things where the way there were here. Why things weren't the magical answer I thought they would be there.
I would rather be myself and alone than a lie and surrounded by people. I would rather be in this small town I use to hate than in a big bustling place full of like thinkers, because this is where my family is. The ones who never cared how weird I was.
There is a difference in me now. I don't have a deep need for acceptance. I have peace in the love I have for this person. When you have that your connections with those around feel so much more real, because the are genuine. I'm not surrounded by people who think they know me. I'm not surrounded by people that I think I want to be.
Places and people can't make you happy. Not long term. Even if they are new. True, long lasting happiness starts within yourself. It starts with thinking, believing, being the person you are despite what everyone else is doing. If you have those things than you can be happy any place even with no one.
Sometimes right where you started from is right where you belong..
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