What We've Been Doing Lately

These days have been perfect. I knock on wood every time I say this, but Molly has been so sweet. I feel like I have my sweet little girl back. There was a point when I worried having Natalie had broken her heart, but these past days have shown me that her heart has grown like the rest of ours. I just can't imagine Natalie not being apart of us.

We've been making changes as to how we spend our time. The TV is on in the mornings so Molly can watch her beloved Dora and Bubble Guppies. Then it gets shut off and we spend our time outdoors in the beautiful weather or playing. It's been good for the soul, and honestly I feel more like the mom I want to be. I feel productive.

Molly has just fallen for her sister. She is so loving towards her and always wants her put wherever she is. I think my heart could burst in these moments. When I had Molly I never thought I could feel so much love as I did seeing her grow and learn. Now that I have them both I know there is no love like seeing the love they have for each other. It doesn't matter what Molly does. If she is in Natalie's line of vision that girl is smiling. Tonight Natalie was screaming from gas pain and Molly was gently patting her and shushing her. When I hear people say how terrible having two kids can be I question how these moments don't overpower any struggle.

If you haven't heard of Window Crayons you have to get on that. For us it's a guaranteed minimum ten minute attention span.  Which if you have a toddler is like a years time.

Molly got a special treat for following along while I tok pictures of her. She did her best, but that poor girl. In ways she's a tom boy because she ends up messy. In other ways she's a girly girl because she hate the woods, tall grass, etc. So all in all I got five pictures, but she did try and that's what matters most.

 

 

 

We have been taking full advantage of the spring air. I think Natalie loves being outside as much as her sister.

Last week the husbands were out golfing so Bree and I spent the afternoon outdoors. This sprinkler is perfect. They wouldn't run across it without us which wasn't so fun though. Unfortunately our hose is some pretty cold water.

I just love bath time photos. I have to admit it's not just the memories, but the bathtub is just an awesome reflector!  Molly is fiercely independent. She loves to do for herself, so this week I got her "big girl bath stuff." The bar of soap is Johnsons Buddies Easy-Grip Sudzing Bar. It's easy to hold and she is learning to wash herself with it. Her favorite part is definitely washing her bath baby though. Of course. I love the Montessori method which I why we are starting to show her how to keep herself clean. She really does prefer doing her own shampoo. I help once she is done and then let her rinse. She's getting there and it's fun to watch her try. She really takes pride in doing things. 

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know she is just over four months. I know most people would now say you should wait till they are six months. Well congrats on your PhD from Google. I was so huge on waiting with Molly, but at 5 months the signs were there. So we started some purees and then two weeks later moved on to baby led weaning. She loved it and did really well. Natalie has a lot of the signs as well. She is way too young for baby led weaning so for now we will stick to cereals and try some puree. A couple weeks ago I had a great garage sale find! A baby bullet for $20. For now I will use it. I'm think sweet potatoes will be her first.

In other news we got Molly's ears re pierced yesterday. I can't believe how well she did. There was only one worker so she had to do them one at a time. Our brave girl sat still for both and didn't cry. I was so proud of her!

All in all things have been great. All of these things are very much every day moments. Now I just see the wonder in the simple things. Having these girls means savoring every moment and taking the time to really cherish them.


 

The Beauty Of A Mother

When I first had Molly my grandma said to me "you are definitely a mother." I asked her why and she told me "because you are swaying back and forth and she isn't in your arms." We as mothers have an instinct in us and even subconsciously our bodies want to soothe and comfort our children.

Becoming a mother means bearing the unbearable pain of accidents, heart aches, sickness, and even punishments. Little do they know that punishing them in turn feels like such a punishment to us.

Being a mother makes women resort to a deep carnal state. I know humans are animals based on how I feel the second they are in danger or threatened. The hair on your neck stands up and just like my childhood Labrador so loyal and protective I am in a state that no person wants to cross. It's not just for our own children either. Us mothers form a group of wild dogs, bears, lioness or what have you and when any child is threatened by anything we become that carnal protector, because no women wants another women to feel what we fear ourselves.

When you have a child your life loses it's value and the value it holds to you is that it's what is keeping you with them. You wouldn't just die for your child. You would live your life in the worse pain so they would never have to feel it all. There is no hesitation. I would give my life, because my life is nothing without them.

Having a child means your heart is no longer yours. It is completely sealed within your children and surprisingly when there is more than one you grow another for them to have. It's why you keep them close. It's why the pain is too great when they get too far. It's why it's hard to breath when you think of them not being here.

Being a mother is trying to ground yourself in the fact that they must go out into the world some day and it's your job to prepare them. When all you want to do is hold on to them forever and guide each decision. I tell myself that although they will be gone one day and it will hurt. Seeing them stand on their own and live their lives on their own accord will be so rewarding.

A mother gets to truly know and understand the miracle of life. Unfortunately your partner just can't fully grasp what it's like to hold the feet of the baby that kicked your ribs in your hand. Your partner doesn't get that the fact your hand patting their bum and the recorded heart beat soothes them because of your own. Your partner doesn't get that feeling that I sacrificed my comfort and self to get you here and I would sacrifice so much more.

A mom is a vessel that carries a child from one world and into this life.

Without going into great detail one day Molly was severally constipated. She was shrieking in pain and hunched over. I knew it was right there, but she just couldn't. The pain it was causing her was heartbreaking, and I could see it on her face she needed help. So without a play by play I helped. There is only one other person in the world I would ever do that for, and her name is Natalie. While someone might gag at the stuff a mother has to do we don't think twice. When it comes to their comfort it far outweighs that of our own.

 Being a mom means you get the most amazingly heart warming satisfaction of being the person who calms in only the way a mother can.

Although we don't have a secret handshake and of course there are cliques motherhood is a club. It's doing all the above and knowing that the other women would too. It's an unspoken bond that we should give each other more credit for than judging each other's approach. It's that knowing glance when a child is in a diaper in the store. The knowing glance while they are dragging behind you with a tight grip of your hand. It's being able to zone out all the other crying kids in the restaurant, because that was your kid last week. It's how our partners think we are crazy when we ask their name and age and compliment them a million times, because we want to know about the love of your life and we want to tell you about ours. It's not being bothered by your 500 pictures of their Easter egg hunt and hoping everyone looks through our own. It's saying "yay, congrats!!!!" when you post that your child just rolled over and is accompanied by an adorable video. Really it's just an awesome understanding that doesn't really need to be said, because it's just known.

To me the greatest thing about being a women is that I get to be the mom. Despite the fact that I never go to the bathroom alone and I have to pry Molly off my leg in the shower. Despite the fact that I can count how many times Adam has woken up at night on one hand. Despite the differences in how your lives change after I still would never give up the role of a mom. There is nothing more challanging, rewarding, gross, and beautiful in this life.

A PG Movie Has Me Rithinking My Parenting Techniques

Not even a very good one. Tonight Adam and I had our usual weekend date night in. This time the movie was Parental Guidance. Really not that good, but cute.

As mindless as it was it really got me thinking. I have obviously been shaken to my core by the toddler years. Attachment parenting was amazingly beautiful when Molly was a baby. For Natalie too, but now she needs more. This wild beast that I love so much needs more.

I was spanked. My grandparents raised their voices but not all the time. To me being yelled at was worse. Sometimes I catch myself in moments and think really Elise? You can't do better? I can. Just not with these tools I think I should be working with. I need some new tools, dang it!

The movie talked a lot about a sort of new age of parenting. Never saying don't or no. The grandparents felt kids needed it, and of course in the end with their tough love the kids were better behaved and all was well. So is this true? Do I forget the idea that I need to be the always calm soft spoken mom or do I learn better techniques to show my unruly toddler boundaries while fostering her independence?

I say the latter. See when Natalie was born it wasn't just bringing a baby home. It was a huge moment in all of our lives for so many reasons. Molly was near two. Natalie was a newborn and we were all adapting to the change. Some things were bound to change. Lessons were learned and I had to learn how to let things roll of my back. Like breastfeeding. That's being a mom. Adapting to the curve balls that you're perfectly unique children bring you. Like going from an angel to a toddler. (ok maybe angel is a bit of an exaggeration)

Most people have so many doubts with their first. Especially in the baby year. I was so opposite. When Molly was a baby I knew I was a good mom. I stood behind every choice and was proud. Now that's she's older the way I thought I would be or need to be just doesn't click for her free spirit. I struggle with feeling like I am a good mother to Natalie, because I don't nurse her. I struggle to feel like I'm a good mom to her when she needs to cry a little longer than Molly ever did. I struggle when I know she's in her swing while I'm with Molly when Molly never even had a swing. I struggle because my free spirited daughter needs more than a hushed voice, but I don't want to use a loud one.

So I've decided to dive deeper into the world of parenting techniques, because I don't want to doubt myself. I know I'm a good mom. If I wasn't I wouldn't even care to learn and grow for the sake of my children. I would be forcing them to grow and bend to me.

As she gets older I will always rely on my AP roots and answer her cries. I will always listen to what she is saying. As I type this she is still snuggled into our bed. Here are some books to help guide me to better nourish her drive for independence while keeping her boundaries firm.

I'm starting with 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan PhD . It came as a recommendation from a wonderful mother I know.

Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child by Robert J. Mackenzie will probably be next if need be.

This will definitely be read whether or not 1-2-3 Magic does the trick. This is The Playful Family by Shawn Ledington Fink. From the description it is about being a more meaningful parent and spend time as a family authentically. Which is something I think we need. You always hear about those awesome families that just sit around and play music and don't even own a TV.

I hope to get book one read soon, but a realistic time frame at this point in my life will be next year. Wish us luck!

A New Leaf

Every women has an idea in her head of the mother she will be the second she sees those lines pop up. You can't help but start to day dream about all the things that will soon come to be. What convictions you will stand by. What will roll off your back. What techniques you believe in. Every soon to be mom has a mile long list of things they will never do and their child will never do. Then you bring home your baby and real quick your list dwindles down to the sole I will never.

1. I will never say I will never again.

I remember when I was pregnant I was so huge on having no battery operated toys. My family would always laugh that Molly was going to have to entertain herself with a stick. I can't take a step without something going off. Not that it matters much now, but Molly was cloth diapered for her first year. Now she is usually in underwear or butt naked. Natalie was never cloth diapered. With Molly we did baby led weaning. (skipping purees and going straight to solids) Natalie is not even three months and I am already thinking about how easy twisting off a jar lid looks when the time comes.

As time passes it's not that all my convictions of motherhood have gone. I still stand by the basis. I love attachment parenting. I 100% believe in co sleeping and baby wearing and breastfeeding even though I no longer am.

 Still there is so much that I thought I would do or be that has flown out the window. Whether it be that it didn't work the way I thought or it wasn't for the child I have or the fact that time is no longer on my side.

We all have expectations of who we will be when our baby comes into our lives. It's easy to have your ideas set to something specific, but the problem with that is that babies and children fit no mold. You can have any idea you want, but your child may have a completely different idea, personality, or need.

I still stand by research, preparation, and having parental goals. Here is what I no longer stand by. Feeling like a failure because I don't fit the mold I thought I would.

It came to me through several comments and some deep thinking. I'm not a bad mom and I shouldn't be hard on myself. I have set an insanely high standard for myself that not even my children expect of me. They want love, shelter, food, and everything else is just fluff. We don't need to do a daily craft. It's ok that my iPad has probably taught her more things than I have. It's ok that some days there is way too much CSI going on in the background. It's ok that her first combined words were chicken nugget.

They never go to bed feeling unloved. That above all tells me I'm doing this right. The thing is setting this unattainable standard isn't making me strive for more. It's making me crack under pressure.

So I'm throwing out my ideas of the perfect mom, and I'm making up my mind that the perfect mom is the one I see in the mirror. Not just because I don't want the pressure, but because I don't want to teach my girls to put that kind of pressure on themselves. They don't need to be perfect. They need to be who they are and they need to be ok with it. They need to know that doing your best is good enough and it doesn't matter what you see everyone else doing. You don't know how that seemingly perfect person feels about themselves anyway. So this isn't just for me. It's so I can be the kind of role model I want to be. If there is one thing I knew then and still know now it's that if there is something I couldn't do for myself I know two people I can always do it for easy.

Bad Mom Blues

With the past couple days I've come to realize that I am maybe not in the best place right now. It really has nothing to do with breastfeeding. Ok maybe it's hidden in there somewhere. On a good note I feel like I've come to accept it.

I think as a person I am someone who gets down on myself a lot. For instance I literally just stepped in cat puke and thought to myself why can't you do anything right. Yeah because that really has anything to do with my ability as a person. I've been that way since I was little. I would fall outside and just go back in thinking how stupid I am. So as you can imagine I struggle with this daily as a mom.

I've had the feeling for a while now that I don't do enough of the things I should do and too much of the things I shouldn't. In my heart I want to make changes. Big changes. The kind of changes that go against what is now the norm in society. I don't want my iPhone distracting me. I don't want cable to plop down in front of. I don't want to be so connected to outside things that really don't matter. That's what I want in my heart, and in my mind I know it would probably solve most of my self doubt as a mother.

I want to be that family that doesn't even own a TV or has it in some remote part of the house. I want to be the mom that does activities and special things all the time. The mom that is available the majority of the time. I feel like I fail at that. I feel like I'm so distracted. Sometimes I look at Molly and wonder what she thinks of me. What does she love and what does she wish would change?

There are a couple things that have led me into this little dark period. One the past week when she cries it's for dad. This morning she woke up crying and went and banged on his bathroom door and cried for him. I went to her and told her daddy is at work and tried to hug her. She ran. Heart broken.

I feel like I am here all the time. I make her meals, bathe her, and do all of the care. He comes home for three hours tops before bed. He rides in through the garage door on a white horse and then I go make dinner. My role in her eyes is lame. That's the thing though. I'm here through the thick of it. I let things distract me because...I don't know. I don't take advantage of all the time I have to make it count.

Second her age appropriate behaviors are making me feel like a failure. I don't discipline the way I wanted to. I'm not as soft as I'd hoped. I want to be soft spoken. Not that I yell all the time. I do raise my voice. Even when I mask the way she is making me feel it's the fact that I feel it.

Third reason was this morning I went to get her some milk. She quieted down so I went to her bedroom to check on her. She was just laying there awake. So I laid down next to her. She cuddled into me and my heart felt better about the episode of her not wanting me and only dad. We laid there for awhile. Then Natalie started to cry. I felt so torn between needing to be with Molly who may not have been crying, but I could feel she needed me. Then Natalie who was ready to be up and needed a bottle. It's those impossible decisions. I feel like Natalie always wins out because of her age, and that makes me sad for Molly who is still so young. The life of a mother of two so young. Or two at all maybe.

My answer is that I need to be two people, but I can't. I'm just me. Verdict is still out on whether that is good enough.

Hopefully with better weather coming I get a better outlook on myself. Hopefully I can make the changes I need to make and be the mom I know I want to be and stop doubting whether or not I have it in me.

Reflux {And Following Your Mommy Instincts}

I swear there is something to be said about a mother's instinct. I knew from the beginning something was different about Natalie. She didn't have much interest in eating. She got what I would describe as a frothy mouth and would often choke on her saliva. She often breathed like something was in her throat. Then at two months she developed a cough.

This past Monday was her two month check up and I asked her doctor about her cough. He said she had a virus and prescribed her some amoxacylin. I also asked him about the possibility of her having reflux. It was quickly dismissed even with her very low weight gain and that also being a sign of reflux.

I didn't really like the answer, but hey I'm not a doctor. Still I knew something wasn't right. During this time I had decided to no longer breastfeed. I was going to use up my freezer stash and then switch her to formula. It wasn't an easy choice, but more on that later.

While I struggled with wanting a different opinion and feeling some sort of loyalty to a doctor I never really liked going to I had a MOPS meeting. Thank goodness for mom groups. What an awesome thing to be able to come together with different knowledge and perspectives. At this meeting I was approached by several moms who were as concerned about her weight as I was. They gave me a number to a pediatrician. I called the next day and luckily got in right away.

This doctor is amazing. She listens, and she doesn't even need to, because she knows. She knew in minutes that Natalie had REFLUX! Even her cough is caused by her reflux. She didn't have to listen to me. She just had to listen to Natalie.

We now have a totally different baby. She's gaining weight so quickly. She is happy and alert. Her cough is gone. Right now she is on Zantac three times a day and a teaspoon of cereal in her night bottle. She no longer has horrible breathing at night because of it. Of course my worry as her mom will always be there, but I feel so much better now that she feels so much better.

I don't know if I'm crying because of how you're acting or because of how I am reacting

Breath in. Breath out. I hate to say that I need to take a little break from the person I love more than anyone in the whole world, but I do. So I closed off everything and put up all the gates. Got in the shower and closed the door. Breath out. I ran through all my thoughts and emotions and collected myself. I hate these days.

One day you'll think about having kids and then one day you'll come to that point and five hundred people will tell you how hard it is. They're right, but they don't need to put it like that. Dear Lord is it hard. Just not hard in the way that you think. What's hard is having to raise your voice to someone you never want to do more than shush, rock, and hold close. What's hard is being stern when you wish you could just be enjoying every second you're given. I hate getting on to you. That's one thing. What absolutely kills me is when I get to this point. Where it's to the I need a break point.

See what hurts more than your developmentally appropriate two year old rebellion is the parent role where I teach you boundaries. That part of parenting sucks, because you always second guess how you're doing it. Especially when you have to do those things in anger. If someone were to tell me they have never been there I don't know if I should give them a medal or call bull shit.

So with that I got you girls together to go out for more milk. The plan was for you to take your nap while I got peanut and I ready. What happened was you fought me for two hours. I stepped away and then collected myself enough to take you two in pajamas. Yeah. I was that mom. Which gave me a new found respect for that mom.

Here is the killer. Once we got out of the car it was snowing big beautiful flakes. The whole way in you laughed and laughed saying snow over and over again. Damn. I put in your lessons I hope to teach you that no one can make you feel anything. I find that to be the most important thing to know in parenting. You can't make me mad if I don't allow it. I think every parent can agree that once it happens it is always followed by some sweet moment that makes you kick yourself for letting it happen. At this point I'm aware, and when these times happen I know I'm going to kick myself later.

I'm trying. I don't get angry often, but lord do I hate when I do. I'll never be a perfect parent, but I promise you that I'll always keep striving to be.

You are the most strong willed person I know. You are just like me. It's one of those things that I love the most about you, but it can be one of the things that drives me crazy about you. I just need to move forward with nurturing it and learning how to control it a little bit instead of reacting to it.

I love you and tomorrow will be a better day.

15 Things I Want To Teach My Daughters

It's a hard thing to express what it means to be a mother of a daughter. As I am sure it is of a son. I, however, have two daughters so that is what I know. I know the overwhelming sense of pride I get. I know I wouldn't trade it for the world. I know that while I wouldn't mind having a son I am quite content and happy that I am a mother to two daughters. I don't have that desire like some do to parent each. I look at them and even so young I identify with them and what they will face in life. Obstacles I know they will one day have to overcome. While it kills me to know those things it also makes me a stronger women in order to be a better example.

I don't want to talk bad about myself. I don't want to spend hours in front of a mirror. I don't want to pick apart someones shoes or outfit. I want to take care of myself. I want to take pride in who I am. It's a harsh world out there and I won't pretend that it's not or shelter them from it to the point they aren't prepared when there is no choice but to go out into it. I know it's harsh, but I want them to be some light in it. That's all that I can really hope for.

As I was thinking on all these things tonight I thought to myself that I should write this down for them, because having two daughters has made me connect to my own mother in a new way. It's made me walk in her shoes and how terrifying it must have been to face not being there to walk her two daughters through a harsh world. How she would have given anything to be here to show us she does identify and that we aren't alone in our feelings. I know that this fear can tragically become a reality. Which is why it needs to be said. So if God forbid there is a day where I'm not there to say it, I already have.

1. The most interesting people are the people who are themselves, because they aren't like everybody else. Take solace in dancing to the beat of your own drum.

2. Someone will always find something wrong with you. Take the time to find everything right with them. Don't be that someone for anyone. Put love into the world and you are bound to get love back.

3. As crucial as high school may seem it does end in four years. The only crucial part is the education. Everyone looks back and has at least one regret. Don't let your regret be how you treated people.

4. No matter what you know or feel is wrong or sin don't judge the person who does it. Instead think or listen as to why, and be there. Learn to put yourself in others shoes. Then do what you can for them.  Be a shoulder or a hand to those who struggle. You'll have a shoulder or a hand in them for life.

5. Whoever it is that you love is ok. Just as long as they treat you how you deserve to be treated. You accept the love you feel you deserve, and you deserve a lot.

6. You are worth it.

7. Just because everyone is doing something doesn't make it cool. Usually that's when it becomes uncool.

8. Nobody can make you feel anything. Don't allow it.

9. Learn to keep a secret. It's hard to turn back from being the person who tells it all.

10. Be the friend you want to have. Be the wife you want your daughter to be and marry the husband you would want her to have.

11.The guys you attract by playing dumb aren't the guys you want.

12. Speak to people the way you want to be spoken to. Respect gets you a long way.

13. Listen. It's not always about you.

14. Do everything with your whole heart. Live life with passion.

15. Don't hesitate to do or say what you feel. Opinions and thoughts should be shared. Don't just surround yourself with people who share yours.

Reassessing Routines (dealing with terrible twos)

The past several days have made me take a step back and reassess my opinions on routines. Since M was a newborn I've rejected the idea of having a set schedule. I still do believe that newborns and babies do not need a routine. Natalie can eat and sleep whenever she desires just like I did with Molly. She's not on my time. I'm on hers. So I don't regret not having anything in place up until this point.

However this past week has brought on what people refer to as the "terrible twos." I hate to say terrible. For the most part M is a little sweetie. Then all of a sudden an urge rushes over her and she throws the remote across the room. Or she runs whenever she sees a coat or shoe. Then she might rip her diaper of fifty times. Small things. Not terrible, but most definitely testing her boundaries.

This step back didn't happen because of her actions, but because of mine. You know those times when you repeat back in your mind what just came out of your mouth. Yeah, that happened. I was disgusted and disappointed in myself. It was too loud and just wrong. If I would punch someone in the face for speaking to her like that than why am I? Why is my voice this loud? Why did I just tell her she's bad?

My poor reactions got me to thinking about what was getting us to this point. What was our day like? What just happened? What is my mood? Is she tired? Is she hungry? This method of thinking is something I'm glad I was taught through working at Head Start. Don't look too much at the behavior, but more at what led up to it. That is how you correct it.

A pretty clear pattern emerged. How much did we play that day. Was I on the floor with her a lot. Did we have things to keep us busy. How much interaction had we had that day. The days that were worse which led me to poorly react to her. This is when I decided that at this point in her life a routine would benefit us both. It would above all things hold me accountable to get that time in. It would keep her busy. Now granted these times are a lose outline of what I want our day to be. With a nursing infant my best would be to nurse during whatever we are doing. That may not always happen.

THE DAY TO DAY

9  BREAKFAST @ TABLE                                  

9:15   DISHES & COUNTERS                              

10:00 BUBBLE GUPPIES                                  

10:30 ART                                                        

11  LUNCH @ TABLE                                          

11:30  PUZZLES/GAMES                                                                                   

12 FREE PLAY

12:30 BOOKS

1  NAP TIME

2:30 SPECIAL PROJECTS

3 FREE PLAY

4 BOOKS

4:20 MUSIC AND MOVEMENT

4:40 TODAY’S TOPIC

5 WIND DOWN FOR DINNER

 

 

I wanted to copy and paste the schedule I came up with. Feel free to steal this. I made it in Word and printed out a copy for the fridge. This probably won't be what every day looks like. This is what I want to strive for most days. With a newborn it won't be structured in the least, but hey a girl can dream.

I'm ready for this though. This girl is growing up. She needs more in her day, and I have the past experience to give her days like this. I am definitely excited to do this for her and have N grow into this schedule as well. Now we just wait and see if her terror streaks tone down just a smidge.

Last night as I wrote this out on my phone I jotted down some ideas to get us started. Below are some activities to get us started.

Art

Toilet roll stamps
Bubble wrap painting
Spaghetti painting
Water colors
Ball painting
Paint with utensils
Make a rainbow
Paper plate animals
Color
Draw with pens
Dry erase board
Cut with scissors
Make a collage
Draw with chalk
Fly swatter painting
Colored ice cubes
Paint with spices
Today's topics

Count

Quantify
Trace
Count objects
Matching game

ABCs

Trace
Sing
Identify
Sounds
Words with

Colors

Match colors
Name colors
Mix colors
Color collage
Color mix with ice

Shapes

Sort shapes
Match shapes
Name shapes

Opposites

Words

Word books
Point and name
Repeat

Animal

Sounds
Matching mom and baby
Sorting
Names
What does it eat?
What does it do?

Special activities

Wash cars
Tape down race track
Pet shop
Make food in kitchen
Restaurant
Play with boxes
Goop
Play dough
Paper plate paddle with balloon
Balloons
Paper ball fight
Obstacle course
Sensory bin ( rice noodles toys etc)
Whip cream play
Bang on pots
Use magnets on baking sheets
Pour sand on baking sheets
Sand maze
Play with paper, foil, packaging, etc
Shredded paper
Vinegar and baking soda
Kitchen bowels in bath
Bath glow sticks
Plastic cup phones
Nature basket

Mother Of Two And A Whole Lot Of Guilt

The day I became a mother of two was a day I will never forget. It's also a day I'm sure I will go over with my girls time and time again for many reasons. I wish my mother was with me to guide me through that day and the following days as I am sure I will with them. That second child is such an emotional thing. Maybe not the same for all, but for me there were so many nerves, so much doubt, so much guilt, but so so much love.

I remember my nurse telling me about all the things that were about to happen. Walking down the hall, getting the spinal block, the pressure I'd feel, and all that good stuff. "Right now? We're doing this right now?" I responded. Yes. Right now.

Right now was something I had anticipated and dreaded all at the same time. It was time. I was going to have two kids. Would I be as good as a mom? Would the love be the same? Would there be enough? I had so many worries and guilty emotions my whole pregnancy. Now I was about to meet the little one that had been kicking me. That had been so innocently brought into this world, and here I am worried that I will love her like I love her sister. She being just as worthy of our love and I'm worried will I miss our times as three? I can't even begin to express the guilt that came along with those emotions. How could I feel this way? How could I worry about the love I will have for this innocent life that I created.

Well let me tell you. It was a stupid worry. I saw her face and there was no worry in sight. No question as to whether or not my love for her equaled that of her sisters. They laid her next to my cheek and there was that soft skin feeling. That first kiss on that fresh cheek. The first look into each other's eyes. That knowing feeling that you are mine and I am yours and nothing will come between that as long as I'm living. I am your mom.

If only the guilt and worry stopped there. The next three days were not what they were with M. Which of course caused me guilt. Instead of being wrapped up in my little love I was also worried about her sister. Was she ok? Did she understand all of this at all? Would she forgive me for being gone these three days? So I laid there in my hospital bed with guilt for my new daughter who was not getting every ounce of my attention and focus and guilt for my oldest who was no longer going to get every ounce of my attention and focus like before.

Finally home and of course the guilt and worry will be gone, right? No. Every little action was over analyzed. Every cry. Every thrown toy. Every fit. She's hurt by her new life. She isn't adjusting. I've hurt the feelings of my so very loved toddler. Let me tell you from what I hear I don't have it bad. M really adjusted pretty well. She didn't start peeing all over things. She didn't steal binkies and bottles. She didn't wake up a million times. She hardly cried. Still every little thing I took to heart and it killed me. It killed me to think that I hurt her by bringing home N. Bring on the guilt!

Here's the thing. Bringing home a sibling is probably never easy. Whether they're 9 months, 18 months, or five years apart. Someone told me something very true about a new sibling. M is my toddler. I know her on a different level than I knew her those first weeks. Our relationship is something different and a year from now it will be too. N is my newborn. We are learning each other and in 18 months our relationship will also be totally different. So there is no guilt in having those two very different relationships. The love is just as great. It's just as strong. It's just different.

Three weeks in and we are really getting in our grove. The three of us go places. We have some what of a routine for a mom who doesn't believe in structured schedules. We are learning what it is to be parents of two children and how to find that balance. If the guilt sets in I tell myself something I personally know to be very true. The best thing I could ever give these two is each other.

Heavy Hearts

Today is a blurry numb day. As it is for most of the country. To say that the heartless shooting that occurred yesterday was a tragedy is putting it mildly. I don't think we have a word for it.

A parent's love for their child is something that you can only fully grasp when you become a parent. When you see your baby for the first time your life's meaning makes such a monumental shift. Your purpose is now to protect, love, and nurture this innocent life. I think every parent has a deep fear of the possible time where they may not be able to protect that innocent life.

It is a completely unnatural thing for a parent to outlive a child. Yet it happens every day. I can't imagine a more empty room than that of a child lost. No bigger hole left in your heart. There couldn't be a more terrible silence then the silent home that no longer has their child.

To know your child was afraid and alone. To know they wanted you, but you couldn't be there. It's gut wrenching. It just shouldn't be. It's hard to understand that this was the life plan for these beautiful children.

Every person in this country is grieving for the lives lost. My heart is just breaking for these families. It's  breaking for the survivors. I can't stop thinking about the gifts under the trees. The excitement that children wake up with every day. The little quarks and laughs that fill a home. All gone out of these parent's life. What step do you take after such a loss?

For the rest of us. Pray. These people need prayers, support, and love. What we can do is not the response of hold your children tight tonight. Hold them tight every night. Don't stress when it's the third time they've been up that night. Don't get angry when they have been crying all day. Don't let yourself be bothered when they need you over and over again. Enjoy the loud noises, messy floors, and daily grind of parenthood. Twenty families went to bed last night without the most precious thing in their lives. Twenty families are grieving for those loud noises and hassles. As much as life changes and becomes a harder thing when you have a child. The changes that come with no longer having them is beyond imaginable. I think millions of parent's have realized this yesterday.

Lately

I've been doing my best to keep us busy these past couple weeks. I'm not sure if I'm trying to speed things up for Natalie or if I'm trying to savor every moment where things are just a little bit easier. There are so many moments in the day where I think 'wow how do you do this with two?' How do I get to the car? How do I get out of the car? What shopping cart can house my wild toddler and tiny newborn? Will I ever go out to eat again? Will we ever bathe?

I have a few plans which could all be wishful thinking. Plan of attack 1) Do almost everything on the floor. Nurse Natalie, change Natalie, and let her play on the floor. My hopes are that being on the floor even though tied up in her care makes Molly feel like we are all together and some focus is on her. I can interact with her and she can help in the care. Plan of attack 2) Molly and I have finally settled into an awesome bath routine. Basically she showers with me. I get out and fill the tub. She plays while I do my hair and make up. So either Natalie will be in a bouncer in the bathroom or I'll be investing in a water sling. My vote is for water sling, but my husband would probably say different.

As for getting to the car. Who knows. I guess the mobile one goes first. Then I come back for Natalie? At this point I grocery shop on Sundays and Molly stays home with dad. I would have never thought my one hour of amazing me time would be my grocery trip. Some weekends this doesn't happen though. In those cases I am that mom with my kid in the cart stepping all over the food. Just today I bought a busted open banana. In this instance my guess is Molly gets the cart and Natalie will be in my amazingly coveted rainbow girasol wrap.(drool)

When I sit and think about all these scenarios and tell myself all these solutions it really helps with the worry. Then someone comes along and tells me how impossibly hard having two kids is and I start to think I'm an idiot. None of these will help and my life will be total chaos. However crazy it gets I can't imagine having double the love that I have for M. It's beyond comprehension, and I think just like the first you have to experience having the second to truly understand what it's like. The love, the chaos, and all the stuff in between.

So we've been going, crafting, playing, and having fun. Here are some priceless works of art by Molly.

Just because I love sleeping pictures.