Nolan's Arrival

(contains pictures that keep it real with the first few weeks)

I don't even know the last time I wrote something on here. At first I thought I should just forget about writing a birth story because of that. I never even wrote about expecting our third. Surprise it's a boy! The thing is this is something I need to write. Nolan's birth is one of those life events that shapes you and makes you realize a little something about yourself and in this case my marriage. I don't think it's something I could forget the details to, but just in case here it is. 

The last month or so of my pregnancy I was beyond miserable. I couldn't sleep at all and was spending my nights in the recliner. It wasn't just getting comfortable, but I was up nonstop itching like crazy. All over but mainly on my hands. At night it was out of control and between that and no sleep I was starting to lose it. Finally at a couple days past 36 weeks I did a google search in the middle of the night for "itching during pregnancy worse at night." It came up with something called obstetric cholestasis. The main symptom was itching that was typically worse at night and primarily the hands and feet which was exactly how I felt. So that Monday I brought it up to my doctor. He tested me that day. The concern being that it can cause still born by your bile acids crossing over into the placenta. 

Those next couple days just dragged. I was doing my Christmas mini sessions that week which at least kept me busy. I called every day and luckily they were so nice about me being a total pest. Finally Thursday night they called and told me that I did have it and would deliver at 37 weeks. Which they didn't realize would be the next day and my OB was about to be on vacation with the following week being Thanksgiving. They told me they would call tomorrow to tell me a delivery day. 

When I still hadn't heard by about lunch the next day I decided to call and left a voicemail. Finally at about 3pm they called and asked if I could be there at 6 for my c section. Panic set in. No bag packed, no last minute shopping for milk, Molly was in school, and a million other things you experience when it's not a planned c section like I'm use to I guess. 

It all felt really weird. I had been saying his birthday was December 4th for so long that rushing around November 20th to have him in a couple hours seemed crazy. I wanted to have him so he was safe and here, but 37 weeks seemed early and I didn't feel mentally prepared for something I'd been waiting for 9 months to happen. 

This is where that life changing event comes in. I have to pause and cry a bit while I think of the words. 

I had imagined his birth since we found out like most women do. When they said he was a boy I dreamed about meeting a son. When the new pediatrician said she unties your hands and lets you do skin to skin now I was over the moon. This was the last time I'd be doing this. My last birth. My last first moments with a newborn. It got me through those awful nights, but that's not how it happened unfortunately.  

The doctor pulled him out and the whole it's a boy and everyone is happy and I just laid there waiting. Waiting for that cry. Just a whimper. I knew right then. While everyone told me oh it's fine he's just taking a bit, I knew. They didn't hand him to me or let me see him. The nurse had him on the warmer working on him. All I could do was watch and then he was gone. Adam went with him and for however long I was still in surgery just waiting. 

When I was waiting in the room after surgery and he still hadn't come back I just knew. He wasn't going to stay with me. Our hospital is pretty small and when babies need a NICU they have to be sent to the city and moms have to stay. It was my biggest fear and it was happening. Not only was I not ready for all of this, but now it felt like he was being ripped away. 

Adam kept coming to give updates and I could see it on his face. Finally they made the decision to send him to Children's Mercy. He couldn't be life flighted because of weather so their transport team came to get him. I can't even begin to describe how amazing the nurses there were. Our pastor came and we made the decision to have him baptized then. They wheeled my bed out and let me watch while a nurse recorded it on my phone. I was watching Nolan, but I couldn't help keeping my eyes on Adam. Seeing tears in his eyes and the fear it felt like me and him. We were in this together with the same amount of love and fear for this little person that we created. No one else felt how we felt over this happening to Nolan and it felt like a bond that we would need each other to get through it. 

The nurses then moved everything out of the way to get my huge bed into this tiny nursery so I could touch him before he left. Just having your baby and only being able to touch their little hand is heart breaking. Seeing him laying there perfectly still and just working to breath was terrifying. 

They told me that as long as I could walk and get around I could leave early. So I laid in bed moving my legs and lifting my feet just trying to get the epidural to wear off. Then the transport team came in with Nolan so I could see him before he left. Seeing your child like that is so hard to put into words. I flat out asked the EMT if we would be taking Nolan home. I didn't know. I was so confused as to if this was something really serious or if it was just really common and he would be fine. I felt like I had to ask because you look at your baby like that and you have no clue what is going on. 

The next day was kind of a blur. They gave me an anti anxiety pill and I spent most of the day alone just trying to show I could walk by showering and cleaning up and then the rest of the time zoned out sitting in my bed. No TV on or phone. I just sat there in the silence. They wouldn't let me leave that day but said I could on Sunday. So I just kept moving so I could get out of there. The hurt of having someone inside your belly moving and being connected and then just nothing. It was the longest day of my life. There were no joyous visits and celebrating. It was just waiting to be with my son. 

Nolan spent a total of 5 days in the NICU. We got really lucky. I can't say enough about Children's Mercy. It was by far the worse experience of my life and wait made it bearable was their amazing hospital and the Ronald McDonald house. 

The whole thing was just mind numbing, but I really learned a lot about myself as a mom. I don't really see myself being hard on myself again over the little things or feeling inadequate. I worked to get out of that hospital. When Nolan needed a certain number of feedings to leave we rushed home to get the girls and pack more stuff and then rushed back. Adam dropped me off at the hospital doors with two bags and a pump and I power walked to the NICU on the 3rd floor to make it back in time 3 days after surgery. It's like you go into this mode were your comfort is set aside and you just do it. You do it because they need it and more than your own needs what a mom really needs is for her child to be OK. You realize just how dependent your life is on theirs. 

(The last night there Nolan and I spent in a parent room and I took some pictures that just showed the reality and kept on in the following weeks. I wanted to share some even though they aren't rainbows and there are leaky boobs and saggy bellies it's how it was and it's beautiful perfect or not.)

They decide that he had something called TTN which is fluid in the lungs at birth. It happens in babies born early or in c sections. 

His birth wasn't what I dreamed. It was my last one and it was not what I expected at all. Then three weeks later we were back in the ICU with RSV reliving all those horrible emotions from birth. Now at 6 weeks we are just hoping it is all behind us and we can go back to the mundane life we were living. So there it is. He came in like a wrecking ball. He cries all the time and nurses like it's going out of style. I'm sleeping on the couch with him next to me. Life is going on and we're tired and busy, but it's absolutely perfect and every second is worth it. 

A Repeat C Section {Natalie's Birth}

I can't even count how many times people told me how easy a repeat c section would be. How this time I knew what was coming and I would just wake up and walk in. Like it was that simple. It may not make sense, but I was a hundred times more nervous for Natalie's c section than I was for Molly's. With M I was so afraid of something happening to her I just wanted it done and I wanted her in my arms. Those twenty minutes laying on my back after being side to side to stabilize her were torture. A planned c section just leaves so much time to dwell.

I knew Natalie's birthday would come quick. With Holidays things seem to sneak up on you and time just flies by. Before I knew it the week was here. Part of me wanted it to rush by and the other part wanted time to freeze. One, I would never be pregnant again. I would never feel a baby kick. I'd never have that cute belly that makes everyone look adorable no matter how huge it is or how many chins you have. Two, it would never be us three again. Which is ok, but at the same time bitter sweet. Three, I didn't know what was coming. I didn't know what two kids would be like or how well I would be at it. I was afraid and for honestly the first time as a mom I felt inadequate.

I remember the day before surgery I went in for my NST and pre-op class. My hands were shaking and everyone just kept saying their congratulations and how much easier the second surgery is. How I'd be fine. I'm not fine! Maybe it's the fact that I knew what to expect. I knew what it was like to get an epidural. I knew how sick I felt in surgery. I knew what it was like for an epidural to go too high. That crushing feeling. All of those things I let cloud the most important thing I knew. What it was like to see them for the first time. That cry. Those soft cheeks. That first time nursing. The chaotic yet calming first days.

I let my nerves get the best of me. So the day was here and my surgery was set for 12pm. We all got dressed and ready for the big event. Molly went to my sister's house to wait until it was time for her to come to the hospital. We got there right on time at 9am. How can you not be punctual to something you've been waiting nine months for?

Before we knew it the clock said 11:45. Seriously, I think I had a mini heart attack. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for surgery. I wasn't ready to meet her. No joke, I was worried she wouldn't love me. I can laugh about that now that she wants to be on my chest 24/7 and lays there just watching me at night. I was lucky to have a good friend in surgery with me. She came in our room to explain the process and what we were about to do.

"Right now? You mean we're doing this right now?" Yes. Right now. You know those moments that are just so big in life and it feels like you're standing right at that threshold and part of you wants to dive in and the other part just wants to throw up because life as you know it will never be the same. It's hard to take those steps towards your new life. Not just out of fear, but from your feet that are now jelly with anticipation, excitement, and yes a little bit of fear.

So I walked the hall to our future with my friend at my side and my husband as my rock waiting to join me. The spinal block wasn't as bad as I had made it out in my mind. Yet again it took three tries to get it in. I think the surgical staff had a good laugh at my nerves. Before I knew it the curtain was up and it was time.

Adam rubbed my hair and kept my mind from being so nervous. The spinal block still went too high. It wasn't as bad as last time, and I knew what was happening. My stomach was still in knots and a felt on the verge of throwing up the whole time. It was manageable. They were right. The second time knowing what to expect was easier.

I don't know how long it took. All I know is before I knew it they were warning me of the pressure and then I heard the most beautiful sound any person can hear in this life. That cry. They brought this beautiful little girl around the curtain. Full of black hair and so tiny. So polar opposite of her sister. So ours. She was ours. The love that just courses through you. In those first seconds when you make a million promises to that little life that is in your hands. That life that somehow you were seen fit to be blessed with and was created through you. A life that God planned and brought to life through you and your husband. It truly is a miracle and the beauty of birth, any birth, is the most breathtaking thing. It's the process in which a life comes from one world into the next, and you were that vessel
No matter where it happens or how it happens or which way they came out it is so beautiful.

Natalie Sue, I truly pray that not an ounce of you ever doubts that I love you more than anything. That your life has made mine worthwhile. That your future is my future, and I will do anything to support the paths that you chose. I hope that I can be the kind of mother that teaches you to chose those paths wisely.

In those moments when I first saw you and you laid next to me cheek to cheek I made a promise to you to be the mother you deserve. I hope I measure up and I hope in times you don't think I do that you know I am trying my best and I'll always make it up to you.

I love you.

Trying To Love A Cesarean: My Birth Story

Ten weeks later and I still have to remind myself that my c-section got M here safely. It's my way of trying to feel better about how she got here. On July 4th I was preparing to be induced the next day. I was five days past my due date and so over being pregnant. I think when I hit 40 weeks I just locked myself in the house for the safety of the general public. By that time I had accepted that I wouldn't get the excited 'my water just broke' and all that. I had my bag packed and I was ready to get her out.

That day I had my last non stress test and my nurse had told me about pelvic thrusts. She suggested I try these at home to help get M into position. I figured I'd try it and waste more time. After all I had walked the entire town several times over, bounced on a ball for hours on end, and ate about a pound of basil. So I waited awhile until A.U. finally convinced me to try them. I did about ten of them and then gave up because my grandparents came over to eat strawberry short cake. About fifteen minutes after I did the thrusts I got the biggest cramp and lost some fluid. I was schocked to say the least. Slowly I just kept losing more. I was in a panic while my family calmly ate their strawberry short cake. They just kept saying 'oh we've got time.'

Finally we all got to the hospital and I waddled up to the third floor looking like I peed my pants. It's not only my c-section that didn't go as planned. Nothing went as planned. First I always wanted a med free birth. Not so much. Two hours in they hooked me up to pitocin. Dry labor and pitocin is no joke. So about that time I got morphine in my IV. Then my blood pressure was going all over the place so I also had some meds put in my IV to help with that. When that didn't work I also got some blood pressure pills. Then at four cm. I got my epidural. Heaven. I won't lie. Fast forward sixteen hours and all of a sudden it all went wrong.

M's heart rate dropped to 50 bpm which is not good at all. I had four nurses rush in moving me side to side, hooking up oxygen, and trying not to look panicked. For the first time I thought I might not go home with M. I was crying and praying and crying. I just thought ' God, I can't live without her.' Finally they got her heart rate to stabilize, but it didn't last long. She had several more dips and I wasn't progressing past 7 cm. It was all falling apart. I went from not getting induced and having my dream birth to the farthest thing from it. When the Doctor arrived I was done trying to get her to be ok. I just wanted her in my arms. Safe. My amazing, wonderful Doctor could tell. He called for a cesarean and thirty minutes later I was being moved to the operating table.

Getting wheeled in there it really hit me. What if she isn't ok? What if I'm not ok? How could this happen? The medicine I had at the point made me really sick. I was so afraid of throwing up and choking on it. I wanted to Hulk out of the straps they had me in. I was shaking uncontrollably from the medicine. There was blood on the blue curtain right in my face. I felt like I was getting tugged in every direction. To this day I can't believe how small my incision is. It felt like I was cut side to side.

Then I heard it. M's cry. She was brought around to us and all of a sudden the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen was right in front of me. We touched cheeks. I told her I loved her. Told her how proud I was of her. I was going to take her home. She was coming home with us. It was like a power ballad just burst into my head. I was all 'Can't explain all the feelings that you're making me feel. My heart's in overdrive and you're behind the steering wheel. I wanna kiss you every minute, every hour, every day. You got me in a spin but everythin' is A.OK!' Even though I was on deaths door and strapped to a bed with my organs hanging out I was on cloud nine.

That was M's birth. It wasn't ideal. I cry daily during A Baby Story. I'm super jealous of girls who have vaginal births. I'll never have that. I'll never hear it's time to push. I'll never have the excitement of the huge light coming down from the ceiling. I'll never have a baby placed directly on my chest. I'm dealing with it. In the times where I feel down I hold M close and kiss her. Her chord was wrapped around her neck. She wasn't doing ok. So I tell myself she's here because of my cesarean. God made it up to me by giving me one hell of a boob sucker.