Beyond Blessed {coming closer to God}

The road to get here was not an easy one. Up until this point my life has been filled with downfalls, tragic events, and self inflicted struggles. Sometimes I feel like from the start I was doomed to be that person that has to survive. Survive my parents death. Survive depression. Survive addiction. It felt like once a struggle was overcome another struggle was on the horizon. Some people just live this way. I won't deny that I was possibly one of those people that just needed chaos or attracted to it. My past is humbling to say the least.

All of these things are why I sit here in awe as I write this. I whole heartily believe that every life needs a bit of ugly to truly appreciate the beauty. I guess I could just never imagine that even on my happy days I would one day feel so content.

Which brings me to now. The past several days I've had some moments of quiet and reflection. It was then that it hit me that I am truly happy. Not for false reasons. It's not materialistic things or something coming easy. It's just real. Pure joy, appreciated blessings, and contentment with what I have and who I am. There is a calming peace even in moments of crazy.

It is always good to count your blessings and to realize that honestly we really can't even begin to count them all.

One. These two girls. Where could I even begin to explain the magic in watching someone grow and change and become who they are? To see so many qualities I find in myself. To see the characteristics in their eyes and precious faces. Every second is a blessing. Even the screaming on the floor seconds. Really in the grand scheme of things the bad moments just don't even begin to stack up to the good.

Two. Settling into my role as Adam's wife. The closeness that comes from looking back on struggles overcome together. Knowing that he is the one person in this world that loves what means most to me just as much. That together we created a family and together we are whole.

Three. Having such an amazing family outside of us four. Just knowing that they are there and have always been there. The gift of always having someone to call who knows everything in the first couple words.

Four. Having a skill. I can't even tell you how fulfilling it is to have a craft. Everyone should have something they know and love. The ability to look at an image and tell you what is right or wrong or to be able to do it is priceless. Do what you love and love what you do. That is a blessing.

Five. Myself. A healthy body and a healthy mind. The gift of my life so that I can spend it with one through four. Knowing that thick or thin it will be ok. The experience that comes from seeing the truly ugly and the truly beautiful parts of life.

I know in my heart what has changed. What has made me realize all my blessings and brought peace into my life. The honest answer is God. We have always had God in our home, but not completely. It wasn't a huge focus or priority. We knew we were Christians. We knew we believed in God, but we didn't live it. You can go about your days not committing sins but yet still not really live the life fully.

God is in our home. We don't just go to church because you should. We go because we need and want it. We pray not for wants or wishes but for others and for thanks. Things are changing in this house. The more God is in it the more we are at peace. The more content we are with good times or bad times. The more we trust in our future because we know they are his plans.

I never dreamed my life would be this. I never thought that even in my desire to be happy that it would be this good. It's not just happy when things are good or going my way. It's just happy and that's when it's real.

...and while I write this

two babies are sleeping