Dust Off The Cob Webs

Holy smokes has it been a long time. Just to put in to perspective how long, I'm eight months pregnant. So that pretty much sums up just how much time has passed and how many things have changed. I've been meaning to get back to this one because I love it and two because this is for Molly. Now it's also for another little sweetie, Natalie.

The past several weeks I've wanted to get these feelings out. Most likely I'm just a big hormonal ball of emotions, but I don't want to forget. I want these feelings written down for M and N some day. That way when they doubt I love them because I took their phone away I can reference my unwavering love for them here.

Unfortunately my husband can't stand the click clacking of my fingers while he is trying to sleep so those emotions will have to be written down on a very soon day.

Oooh cake!

Hey world another cutie is on the way!

Molly's 80s 1st birthday

It's a girl!

Natalie at 30 weeks

This Is Tough

I'm sitting here tears streaming looking back on Molly's hospital pictures. With her birthday just days away it's all so real now. It's hard for me to look back on my life and what led me to here. All the mistakes and bad choices.  How could so much pain lead me to this place of absolute joy? When you look at your baby it's so hard to comprehend how on earth you deserve this beautiful being.

Seeing Molly made all the pieces fit. Everything became clear in life. My purpose, my drive, my dreams. I can only believe that God has given this to me. The joy and love of being a parent is so pure that it could only be God.

There is nothing more beautiful than her smile. Nothing more warm than her hug and nothing more precious than her reaching for my finger to follow.

I remember it was our second day in the hospital and A and I were sitting in the chairs eating and M was sleeping on my chest. I looked down at her and she was so comfy and safe. She loved us just as much as we loved her. It hit me that every day will be this important. Every day with her has this much meaning. Every day is a step to her growing and I want to savor every second. So as this year comes to an end and I look back at all those days I hope they were as meaningful for her as they were for me. I hope I kept my patience and cherished her. I hope she knew every day we love her. I hope she went to bed every night knowing we were there.

Maybe that's what I love so much about attachment parenting. For me it allows me to show her every day that we are here and you are safe and loved.

The Ugly Truth About America And Breastfeeding

Excuse me Ma'am, it offends me that my daughter can see your bottle.

Ma'am can you put a blanket over that? It's exposing me to things that I just CAN'T look away from.

Do these things sound ignorant, rude, and uncalled for? Why, yes. Do these things infringe on your rights? Why, yes. So is it too much of a stretch to say that it is rude, ignorant, uncalled for, and goes against my rights for you to ask me to do the same?

Since the TIME magazine cover and several other issues that people have brought up in the media lately I decided to add my two cents. There seems to be a lot of ignorant opinions when it comes to breastfeeding in this Country.

In our Country it's perfectly acceptable to see half naked women in the aisles of family stores, advertisments, and television. It is inappropriate and offensive to see a mother nurse without covers or a toilet stall, any child older than one or with teeth, and anyone who does so has thrown modesty out the window. Hmm...and some think ignorant is a harsh word to describe this.

In our country it is frowned upon to nurse in uniform, but several people commend this behavior in uniform.

In our country this is breaking news and called a "hot button issue"

So if that doesn't show how backwards some thinking is in this Country, I don't know what does. Luckily times have changed in this Country and there are laws to protect those who breastfeed. Unfortunately some still can't handle what breasts were made for versus what this Country has turned them into.

Feeding The Senses

Now that M is getting a little older I am so excited for the activities that we can do together! It's always been my intent that by staying home with her we would still do all the things that she would get to do if she were in child care. Coming from working in child care from infants to preschool makes it a little easier. I had the benefit of working with many great teachers and have amazing training. Through all of them my favorite has been the Creative Curriculum. The basis of this is that children learn through play. Coming from this background I put having educational toys and supplies as a need and not a want. Although my husband doesn't always 100% agree.

So after tromping through fields scouting new locations for sessions we headed to the store to get some supplies. On the list:

Cream of Tarter
Food Coloring
Yogurt
Fly Swatters
Corn Starch
Sidewalk Chalk
Painters Tarp (because I have no idea what it's really called)

Throughout the next couple weeks I hope if time allows that I can post what these extremely random items can do. First up on the list for today was painting with yogurt!

Of course Molly was a fan and about 80% of the yogurt was ingested. I cut enough tarp to give her plenty of creative space. In a small bowel I mixed yogurt and one drop food dye. I did this three separate times and cleaned the bowel in between. That's it! Yogurt painting is good to go.

Several weeks ago we did another favorite of mine called Goop. It's way too easy and way too cool. As messy as it looks it is extremely easy to clean. Just use equal parts water and corn starch. I usually use a half cup, because I like to join in. Add a couple drops of food dye and you're ready. At this point it was last minute so I put her on some wrapping paper. This is why painters tarp was on the more thought out list. Surprisingly she was a little hesitant at first. That ended quickly though!

Time Flies

It hits me every couple days how neglected my poor little blog has been. Between M being M and trying to get my business going there has not been much time left. Late nights have been reserved for Photoshop and that is basically my down time for next foreseeable years.

There has just been so much change in such little time. With such little time left in this first year and yet so much more to experience in life it is just mind blowing. In two days M will be nine months old. Where did it go?

At nine months she is still nursing like a champ. It's so funny to see her crawl over to the couch, pull up, and start nursing as she stands there. So not where we started. She is still cuddled up in bed with us. At about twelve at night I crawl in with them. Just looking over and seeing this little girl with her head resting on her daddy's pillow is all I need in life to know I'm doing what's right for this one.

With three months left I can't stop thinking about the beginning of this year and at the same time I can't stop thinking about what's ahead. This little girl will be toddling around saying words. She'll be caring for baby dolls and putting puzzles together. How is this possible? How am I about to have a toddler like I used to care for at work? I will always miss these days, but I am so excited for our future.

M now has been crawling since five and a half months. She's been pulling up since six. I don't even know when she started walking all around the furniture. Now for the past several weeks she's walking behind everything. I'll here a racket and she's pushing the trash can around the kitchen. She learned that at Grandma's. In the past couple days she has started standing up by herself or letting go of things. She says mama, Dada, and all the other combos. Mama was her first word where she knew what it meant. Dada soon followed. HA! Tonight she finally said kitty. We've been working on that for awhile. I think her obsession with Binks helped.

For me personally life before M just seems like I was getting through the grind. The song Working For The Weekend comes to mind. Now that she is here every second is cherished. Every moment has value. I haven't wished a day away since she's been here. Except this past Sunday which was the day after my first big night out. Jeez louise!

So, in honor of M's big nine months here is some cuteness overload.

Top 10 Things I Love About Breastfeeding

While nursing my daughter last night and watching that oh so cute dribble of milk run down her cheek I thought this post needed to be written. I wanted to compile a list of the things I love most about breastfeeding. My hope is for those really tough days reading this will get someone through. There are so many reasons to continue breastfeeding even with all the reasons some may give to stop. See the freezer bag half full and that will do a world of good!

1. When she latches on to my nose, knee, belly, and elbow. M knows I am her source of nutrition. My body feeds her.
2. When she looks up at me and coos or smiles while nursing.
3. No matter what is wrong there is nothing that can sooth her like nursing. Even if she just ate. No binky can surpass a quick boob.
4. When you can feel your let down while nursing. It's this feeling of the milk you make passing through you into your sweet baby to fill their belly.
5. When your baby is all over the place and their mind is moving a mile a minute it's so nice to have them still and snuggled up close like the newborn days.
6. You don't have to cart around a million bottles. You don't have to clean a million bottles. Especially if you cloth diaper. You need all the diaper bag space you can get.
7. Getting to the point when you are proud to breastfeed in public and it's not something you are nervous to do.
8. When she crawls over, motions she wants up, gets to the boob, and holds it while nursing. How much can change in a matter of months.
9.  It's the middle of the night and she stirs in her sleep. I start to nurse her and she gently drifts off.
10. The accomplishment of doing something that wasn't always comfortable, easy, and maybe even readily available. In a world that is so big on having everything right now and only doing the pleasurable, breastfeeding had lost it's place. I accomplished a goal to breastfeed. I'm not done with that goal, but I feel satisfied knowing that I can do this. That the trouble is behind us.

Losing My Grip

In a way I feel like I shouldn't be writing this. Some day I want M to read through these posts. I feel like if I didn't write this down I wouldn't be doing her justice. I want her to know that parenting is an amazing gift, but it isn't always easy. Some days are really really hard. It doesn't mean I don't love her every second of the day.

I'm sitting here writing this crying and listening to Modest Mouse while Adam cares for M in the living room. A lot has led up to me being at this point. I'm overwhelmed and tired. I'm losing my feelings of being on top of things.

Staying at home is the greatest and hardest job I've ever or will ever have. I laugh when men say how they would trade places in a heart beat. No, you would run screaming. When you can't even take you baby to the store or give them medicine without bitching, than no you would not trade places in a heart beat.

I stay at home with M and my husband goes to work at 7:00am and gets home at 7:30pm on a good night. I am a stay at home single mom it feels like. I know he "helps." I'm putting that in bitchy quotations, because by help I mean he changes her diaper before bed and sometimes I pull his teeth hard enough that he'll get up with her during the night on Friday. This has happened three times.

I can't leave M for more than a couple hours because I hoard milk in my freezer. I have to wake up with her about five times a night so my supply doesn't dip. I can't have a few drinks one night because she can't sleep well and by well I mean wake up every two hours if she's not in my bed. I can't have her spend the night somewhere because she sleeps like crap and yet again I hoard milk in my freezer. I need a break. I need some peace. I can't get it. That's how it feels. I hate to say that. It kills me to have that feeling, but it's true.

I want to scream at my husband and tell him he has no freakin' clue if he thinks he helps so much. I can't because I don't want to scream at her dad, and I don't want to scream in front of her. Really in his mind he does help so much. He does what he can when he can and the only problem is that's not much.

This all came to a head when this past week Adam has been out of town. It's been 100% me 100% of the time. He got in last night at midnight and today he was supposed to be home at 5:30. It was going to be a good day today. He left his debit card so we could go to the store. I gave M her antibiotic (a whole other can of worms I'll leave closed.) and we were on our way. I spent two hours in the store. If you have a baby you know how unholy that is. It stunk, but we did it and went up to check out. Card doesn't go through. Don't know why it just doesn't. They let me call Adam to figure it out while they hold my stuff. He doesn't answer any of his four lines or page from the front desk. He was in a meeting I find out later. I get home completely humiliated and pissed off. I go to get M her second dose of medicine and I had left it out. It needs to be refrigerated. It's late on a Friday night and it has no refills. This is the point where I break down crying while my adorable daughter plays with an empty box of tampons in the bathroom.

At this point it's 7:00pm and Adam is not home. Go figure. Which leads me here. When he walked in the door I handed her over and came back here to cry and write it out. I'm overworked, but I love my work. I need a break, but I'll keep going.

Being a mom isn't always easy. It's hard work, and you can't really understand that until you do it. Sometimes you have to throw your hands up and let your baby gum an empty box in the bathroom while you cry in the hall. Sometimes you need to hand them over and take time to yourself.

I don't claim to be perfect and I don't expect anyone else to be. Some day when you read this I hope you know how much love is in what I write. You'll have these days, and it's ok. If you weren't giving all you had to your little baby to the point it's overwhelming some days than I'd worry.

...and this is why I keep going.