No Longer Breastfeeding

It's with a heavy heart that I write this. Really, I can't believe I'm about to. As quick as it will be to read this, it's taken me awhile to sort out what to say. I want to get it right, because it's important. It matters to me, and if God forbid one of my daughters wants to breastfeed but can't I want them to read the raw emotion that can sometimes come from that and know they are not alone.

I have gone back and forth between being ok and being crushed by guilt. I go back and forth on whether or not I gave up or if I made an intelligent choice that was truly best for our family. I will probably never know. I don't know what happened. I know that from the start Natalie has never been very interested in nursing. I know that she was not growing properly and very lethargic. I know she wasn't going to be a breastfed baby, but what I do know I gave up on his her being a baby that received breast milk. I didn't want to pump for nine months. I wanted to enjoy those nine months. So was it selfish? Would it be more selfish for her not to get breast milk the whole nine months or would it be more selfish to tie myself to her feedings and pumping. For both kids. I don't know.

I do know deep down that there was probably more I could have done, but I didn't.

My body feels empty. I feel like I have this infant, but my body doesn't quite understand now. Some times I feel like it's almost yearning to do what it knows it should be, but it's not. Then I sit and think wow this is so much different. It really is entirely different. No fumbling in public with her as she refuses to latch. No pump parts and hour long pumping sessions. No weight worries. It's just different. It's the first time in almost three years that I haven't been pregnant or breastfeeding. Is it different in a better way? No.

The thing is it's not just the guilt that gets to me. It's that who I am as a mother feels like it's been shaken. I am a breastfeeding mom. What happened to my goal of two years this time? I like a million different natural, attachment, pro breastfeeding pages. Every day I feel bombarded with facts I know. I agree with even still. Yet now all it does is fill me with overwhelming grief and guilt because I...gave up.

It's like with all that I do to fit into that crowd I feel like this outsider. How can I still be this pro breastfeeding advocate but not breastfeed. I feel like a phony.

So that's it. I feel like my body is empty. I feel useless sometimes to my child. I feel guilt. I feel like I no longer belong with the women I once strongly identified with. Then the next minute I feel fine.

I will probably never really be sure if I was one of those women that just couldn't get breastfeeding to be the best choice this round or if I just gave up. Either way it sucks.

Reflux {And Following Your Mommy Instincts}

I swear there is something to be said about a mother's instinct. I knew from the beginning something was different about Natalie. She didn't have much interest in eating. She got what I would describe as a frothy mouth and would often choke on her saliva. She often breathed like something was in her throat. Then at two months she developed a cough.

This past Monday was her two month check up and I asked her doctor about her cough. He said she had a virus and prescribed her some amoxacylin. I also asked him about the possibility of her having reflux. It was quickly dismissed even with her very low weight gain and that also being a sign of reflux.

I didn't really like the answer, but hey I'm not a doctor. Still I knew something wasn't right. During this time I had decided to no longer breastfeed. I was going to use up my freezer stash and then switch her to formula. It wasn't an easy choice, but more on that later.

While I struggled with wanting a different opinion and feeling some sort of loyalty to a doctor I never really liked going to I had a MOPS meeting. Thank goodness for mom groups. What an awesome thing to be able to come together with different knowledge and perspectives. At this meeting I was approached by several moms who were as concerned about her weight as I was. They gave me a number to a pediatrician. I called the next day and luckily got in right away.

This doctor is amazing. She listens, and she doesn't even need to, because she knows. She knew in minutes that Natalie had REFLUX! Even her cough is caused by her reflux. She didn't have to listen to me. She just had to listen to Natalie.

We now have a totally different baby. She's gaining weight so quickly. She is happy and alert. Her cough is gone. Right now she is on Zantac three times a day and a teaspoon of cereal in her night bottle. She no longer has horrible breathing at night because of it. Of course my worry as her mom will always be there, but I feel so much better now that she feels so much better.

I don't know if I'm crying because of how you're acting or because of how I am reacting

Breath in. Breath out. I hate to say that I need to take a little break from the person I love more than anyone in the whole world, but I do. So I closed off everything and put up all the gates. Got in the shower and closed the door. Breath out. I ran through all my thoughts and emotions and collected myself. I hate these days.

One day you'll think about having kids and then one day you'll come to that point and five hundred people will tell you how hard it is. They're right, but they don't need to put it like that. Dear Lord is it hard. Just not hard in the way that you think. What's hard is having to raise your voice to someone you never want to do more than shush, rock, and hold close. What's hard is being stern when you wish you could just be enjoying every second you're given. I hate getting on to you. That's one thing. What absolutely kills me is when I get to this point. Where it's to the I need a break point.

See what hurts more than your developmentally appropriate two year old rebellion is the parent role where I teach you boundaries. That part of parenting sucks, because you always second guess how you're doing it. Especially when you have to do those things in anger. If someone were to tell me they have never been there I don't know if I should give them a medal or call bull shit.

So with that I got you girls together to go out for more milk. The plan was for you to take your nap while I got peanut and I ready. What happened was you fought me for two hours. I stepped away and then collected myself enough to take you two in pajamas. Yeah. I was that mom. Which gave me a new found respect for that mom.

Here is the killer. Once we got out of the car it was snowing big beautiful flakes. The whole way in you laughed and laughed saying snow over and over again. Damn. I put in your lessons I hope to teach you that no one can make you feel anything. I find that to be the most important thing to know in parenting. You can't make me mad if I don't allow it. I think every parent can agree that once it happens it is always followed by some sweet moment that makes you kick yourself for letting it happen. At this point I'm aware, and when these times happen I know I'm going to kick myself later.

I'm trying. I don't get angry often, but lord do I hate when I do. I'll never be a perfect parent, but I promise you that I'll always keep striving to be.

You are the most strong willed person I know. You are just like me. It's one of those things that I love the most about you, but it can be one of the things that drives me crazy about you. I just need to move forward with nurturing it and learning how to control it a little bit instead of reacting to it.

I love you and tomorrow will be a better day.

Not the update I wanted

I wanted to write a positive update on breastfeeding, but it looks like I won't be for now. I just need some deep breaths and some thought gathering. I want to enjoy feeding Natalie. I want it to be like before with Molly. It just isn't. That's a hard thing to swallow.

I am this breastfeeding mom that wears my babies in slings and we all pile into one bed. Do those things really define me as a mother or is what defines me my love and attitude. Is what defines me the approach I take and the way that I listen. As Dr. Sears says the 7 baby Bs aren't all or nothing. Attachment parenting is your calm and instinctual approach to raising your children. Right now breastfeeding isn't feeling calm and its not instinctual. What is is doing what is absolute best for Natalie and I. So I am back to that cross roads where I don't know which is.

Yesterday I heard what no breastfeeding mother wants to hear. She isn't gaining weight. I think the news hit me like a ton of bricks. It took all the air out me even though deep down, I know. I know she's tiny. I know she doesn't want to eat often. I know she does better with a bottle.

So the answers he gave could be three things. I don't make enough. It's not fatty enough. She has been congested and can't eat as well. Yesterday I thought one of those answers could change everything and I could be fine to breastfeed. Two of them could make the choice formula. Today I don't even care, and I just want this to be enjoyable. I want her to gain weight. I want her congestion to be over. I want her to stop spitting up so much. I just don't want this worry. Is formula the answer to that? I guess I wouldn't know until it happened.

So for the past two days I've been pumping. In so much pain I can hardly bare it. See to add to all of this I have horrible thrush. Like no skin on my nipples thrush. Each time I pump it's just more gone. It is so extremely painful and I get a couple ounces.

So I'm sitting here thinking what am I doing this for? When does breastfeeding not become best? If this were Molly I would be beyond crushed. This time around is different though. I feel like this time I know breastfeeding doesn't completely define me. I know that slings and bed sharing and all of those things don't make me the mother I am. I know I am a damn good one without it. This time around I don't care what people think. I remember with Molly I was self conscious to feed her a bottle of pumped milk in public, because hey I breastfeed damnit! This time is just different. This time I have settled into my role as mom. I am who I am as far as all the fluff. Like what she eats and where she sleeps. I love her with all of me and every decision she is what is taken into account first. That is who I am as a mom.

Now if only I can be brave enough to face whatever emotions I have when I let this go and accept that it isn't really working.

15 Things I Want To Teach My Daughters

It's a hard thing to express what it means to be a mother of a daughter. As I am sure it is of a son. I, however, have two daughters so that is what I know. I know the overwhelming sense of pride I get. I know I wouldn't trade it for the world. I know that while I wouldn't mind having a son I am quite content and happy that I am a mother to two daughters. I don't have that desire like some do to parent each. I look at them and even so young I identify with them and what they will face in life. Obstacles I know they will one day have to overcome. While it kills me to know those things it also makes me a stronger women in order to be a better example.

I don't want to talk bad about myself. I don't want to spend hours in front of a mirror. I don't want to pick apart someones shoes or outfit. I want to take care of myself. I want to take pride in who I am. It's a harsh world out there and I won't pretend that it's not or shelter them from it to the point they aren't prepared when there is no choice but to go out into it. I know it's harsh, but I want them to be some light in it. That's all that I can really hope for.

As I was thinking on all these things tonight I thought to myself that I should write this down for them, because having two daughters has made me connect to my own mother in a new way. It's made me walk in her shoes and how terrifying it must have been to face not being there to walk her two daughters through a harsh world. How she would have given anything to be here to show us she does identify and that we aren't alone in our feelings. I know that this fear can tragically become a reality. Which is why it needs to be said. So if God forbid there is a day where I'm not there to say it, I already have.

1. The most interesting people are the people who are themselves, because they aren't like everybody else. Take solace in dancing to the beat of your own drum.

2. Someone will always find something wrong with you. Take the time to find everything right with them. Don't be that someone for anyone. Put love into the world and you are bound to get love back.

3. As crucial as high school may seem it does end in four years. The only crucial part is the education. Everyone looks back and has at least one regret. Don't let your regret be how you treated people.

4. No matter what you know or feel is wrong or sin don't judge the person who does it. Instead think or listen as to why, and be there. Learn to put yourself in others shoes. Then do what you can for them.  Be a shoulder or a hand to those who struggle. You'll have a shoulder or a hand in them for life.

5. Whoever it is that you love is ok. Just as long as they treat you how you deserve to be treated. You accept the love you feel you deserve, and you deserve a lot.

6. You are worth it.

7. Just because everyone is doing something doesn't make it cool. Usually that's when it becomes uncool.

8. Nobody can make you feel anything. Don't allow it.

9. Learn to keep a secret. It's hard to turn back from being the person who tells it all.

10. Be the friend you want to have. Be the wife you want your daughter to be and marry the husband you would want her to have.

11.The guys you attract by playing dumb aren't the guys you want.

12. Speak to people the way you want to be spoken to. Respect gets you a long way.

13. Listen. It's not always about you.

14. Do everything with your whole heart. Live life with passion.

15. Don't hesitate to do or say what you feel. Opinions and thoughts should be shared. Don't just surround yourself with people who share yours.

A Repeat C Section {Natalie's Birth}

I can't even count how many times people told me how easy a repeat c section would be. How this time I knew what was coming and I would just wake up and walk in. Like it was that simple. It may not make sense, but I was a hundred times more nervous for Natalie's c section than I was for Molly's. With M I was so afraid of something happening to her I just wanted it done and I wanted her in my arms. Those twenty minutes laying on my back after being side to side to stabilize her were torture. A planned c section just leaves so much time to dwell.

I knew Natalie's birthday would come quick. With Holidays things seem to sneak up on you and time just flies by. Before I knew it the week was here. Part of me wanted it to rush by and the other part wanted time to freeze. One, I would never be pregnant again. I would never feel a baby kick. I'd never have that cute belly that makes everyone look adorable no matter how huge it is or how many chins you have. Two, it would never be us three again. Which is ok, but at the same time bitter sweet. Three, I didn't know what was coming. I didn't know what two kids would be like or how well I would be at it. I was afraid and for honestly the first time as a mom I felt inadequate.

I remember the day before surgery I went in for my NST and pre-op class. My hands were shaking and everyone just kept saying their congratulations and how much easier the second surgery is. How I'd be fine. I'm not fine! Maybe it's the fact that I knew what to expect. I knew what it was like to get an epidural. I knew how sick I felt in surgery. I knew what it was like for an epidural to go too high. That crushing feeling. All of those things I let cloud the most important thing I knew. What it was like to see them for the first time. That cry. Those soft cheeks. That first time nursing. The chaotic yet calming first days.

I let my nerves get the best of me. So the day was here and my surgery was set for 12pm. We all got dressed and ready for the big event. Molly went to my sister's house to wait until it was time for her to come to the hospital. We got there right on time at 9am. How can you not be punctual to something you've been waiting nine months for?

Before we knew it the clock said 11:45. Seriously, I think I had a mini heart attack. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for surgery. I wasn't ready to meet her. No joke, I was worried she wouldn't love me. I can laugh about that now that she wants to be on my chest 24/7 and lays there just watching me at night. I was lucky to have a good friend in surgery with me. She came in our room to explain the process and what we were about to do.

"Right now? You mean we're doing this right now?" Yes. Right now. You know those moments that are just so big in life and it feels like you're standing right at that threshold and part of you wants to dive in and the other part just wants to throw up because life as you know it will never be the same. It's hard to take those steps towards your new life. Not just out of fear, but from your feet that are now jelly with anticipation, excitement, and yes a little bit of fear.

So I walked the hall to our future with my friend at my side and my husband as my rock waiting to join me. The spinal block wasn't as bad as I had made it out in my mind. Yet again it took three tries to get it in. I think the surgical staff had a good laugh at my nerves. Before I knew it the curtain was up and it was time.

Adam rubbed my hair and kept my mind from being so nervous. The spinal block still went too high. It wasn't as bad as last time, and I knew what was happening. My stomach was still in knots and a felt on the verge of throwing up the whole time. It was manageable. They were right. The second time knowing what to expect was easier.

I don't know how long it took. All I know is before I knew it they were warning me of the pressure and then I heard the most beautiful sound any person can hear in this life. That cry. They brought this beautiful little girl around the curtain. Full of black hair and so tiny. So polar opposite of her sister. So ours. She was ours. The love that just courses through you. In those first seconds when you make a million promises to that little life that is in your hands. That life that somehow you were seen fit to be blessed with and was created through you. A life that God planned and brought to life through you and your husband. It truly is a miracle and the beauty of birth, any birth, is the most breathtaking thing. It's the process in which a life comes from one world into the next, and you were that vessel
No matter where it happens or how it happens or which way they came out it is so beautiful.

Natalie Sue, I truly pray that not an ounce of you ever doubts that I love you more than anything. That your life has made mine worthwhile. That your future is my future, and I will do anything to support the paths that you chose. I hope that I can be the kind of mother that teaches you to chose those paths wisely.

In those moments when I first saw you and you laid next to me cheek to cheek I made a promise to you to be the mother you deserve. I hope I measure up and I hope in times you don't think I do that you know I am trying my best and I'll always make it up to you.

I love you.

Reassessing Routines (dealing with terrible twos)

The past several days have made me take a step back and reassess my opinions on routines. Since M was a newborn I've rejected the idea of having a set schedule. I still do believe that newborns and babies do not need a routine. Natalie can eat and sleep whenever she desires just like I did with Molly. She's not on my time. I'm on hers. So I don't regret not having anything in place up until this point.

However this past week has brought on what people refer to as the "terrible twos." I hate to say terrible. For the most part M is a little sweetie. Then all of a sudden an urge rushes over her and she throws the remote across the room. Or she runs whenever she sees a coat or shoe. Then she might rip her diaper of fifty times. Small things. Not terrible, but most definitely testing her boundaries.

This step back didn't happen because of her actions, but because of mine. You know those times when you repeat back in your mind what just came out of your mouth. Yeah, that happened. I was disgusted and disappointed in myself. It was too loud and just wrong. If I would punch someone in the face for speaking to her like that than why am I? Why is my voice this loud? Why did I just tell her she's bad?

My poor reactions got me to thinking about what was getting us to this point. What was our day like? What just happened? What is my mood? Is she tired? Is she hungry? This method of thinking is something I'm glad I was taught through working at Head Start. Don't look too much at the behavior, but more at what led up to it. That is how you correct it.

A pretty clear pattern emerged. How much did we play that day. Was I on the floor with her a lot. Did we have things to keep us busy. How much interaction had we had that day. The days that were worse which led me to poorly react to her. This is when I decided that at this point in her life a routine would benefit us both. It would above all things hold me accountable to get that time in. It would keep her busy. Now granted these times are a lose outline of what I want our day to be. With a nursing infant my best would be to nurse during whatever we are doing. That may not always happen.

THE DAY TO DAY

9  BREAKFAST @ TABLE                                  

9:15   DISHES & COUNTERS                              

10:00 BUBBLE GUPPIES                                  

10:30 ART                                                        

11  LUNCH @ TABLE                                          

11:30  PUZZLES/GAMES                                                                                   

12 FREE PLAY

12:30 BOOKS

1  NAP TIME

2:30 SPECIAL PROJECTS

3 FREE PLAY

4 BOOKS

4:20 MUSIC AND MOVEMENT

4:40 TODAY’S TOPIC

5 WIND DOWN FOR DINNER

 

 

I wanted to copy and paste the schedule I came up with. Feel free to steal this. I made it in Word and printed out a copy for the fridge. This probably won't be what every day looks like. This is what I want to strive for most days. With a newborn it won't be structured in the least, but hey a girl can dream.

I'm ready for this though. This girl is growing up. She needs more in her day, and I have the past experience to give her days like this. I am definitely excited to do this for her and have N grow into this schedule as well. Now we just wait and see if her terror streaks tone down just a smidge.

Last night as I wrote this out on my phone I jotted down some ideas to get us started. Below are some activities to get us started.

Art

Toilet roll stamps
Bubble wrap painting
Spaghetti painting
Water colors
Ball painting
Paint with utensils
Make a rainbow
Paper plate animals
Color
Draw with pens
Dry erase board
Cut with scissors
Make a collage
Draw with chalk
Fly swatter painting
Colored ice cubes
Paint with spices
Today's topics

Count

Quantify
Trace
Count objects
Matching game

ABCs

Trace
Sing
Identify
Sounds
Words with

Colors

Match colors
Name colors
Mix colors
Color collage
Color mix with ice

Shapes

Sort shapes
Match shapes
Name shapes

Opposites

Words

Word books
Point and name
Repeat

Animal

Sounds
Matching mom and baby
Sorting
Names
What does it eat?
What does it do?

Special activities

Wash cars
Tape down race track
Pet shop
Make food in kitchen
Restaurant
Play with boxes
Goop
Play dough
Paper plate paddle with balloon
Balloons
Paper ball fight
Obstacle course
Sensory bin ( rice noodles toys etc)
Whip cream play
Bang on pots
Use magnets on baking sheets
Pour sand on baking sheets
Sand maze
Play with paper, foil, packaging, etc
Shredded paper
Vinegar and baking soda
Kitchen bowels in bath
Bath glow sticks
Plastic cup phones
Nature basket